I have learned several very valuable lessons over the course of a very short period of time. The first, and perhaps more important one is to never, ever, ever change who you are for anyone. And I do mean, anyone. I changed who I was in order to make my relationship work. I changed how I argue, fight, play...all because the man I was with didn't respond to how I engaged in those things. I would be looking for a fight, passion, excitement, energy...and he would shut down. Disengage. Go underground. So, I changed tactics and in doing so, changed who I am. I allowed myself to be less than I am because a man needed me to be. Granted, I loved (still do love) that man and felt that our future and life together was worth a little self sacrifice. But that little bit, turned into more and more until I was someone I didn't recognize anymore and was miserable.
My second, very valuable lesson, is to always trust your instincts. They are there for a reason and unless you are psychotic (which I am not), you should always at the very least, listen to them. I had a gut feeling that Patrick had been cheating on me, at least emotionally in the beginning, and then the sex I'm sure came later. Particularly during the time that I was in California. When you come back and there are condoms missing, the bed has freshly washed sheets and has been remade "perfectly" that should be a very big red flag. Even more so, when he lies to you and tells you that he just spontaneously took the week off while you were out of town...I would have to say that that is an even more obvious warning sign. But I doubted myself and trusted Patrick.
My third lesson is that no matter what, I'm amazing and there is nothing wrong with me. For years Patrick kept trying to save me, help me, fix me. I kept looking for what needed to be fixed, never really getting an answer from various therapists who figured that because I was abused I must be fucked up. But the truth of the matter is that I'm an incredibly resilient and highly functioning individual. I don't need to be fixed, I don't need to be helped. I'm a good person and a strong woman.
What it really is all about dear reader is that my relationship ended because I expected more from my partner than he was able to deliver. I believe that he loved me...in some ways I'm sure that he still does. But I expected honesty, respect, loyalty, and passion. That isn't to say there never were those things in our relationship, but the bits and pieces he had weren't enough. And in the end all I got from Patrick was disloyalty, dishonesty, manipulation and a severe lack of respect. It took seeing him and this other woman on a date just the other night for me to really awaken to the realization that not only did he lie to me and cheat on me, but that there was absolutely no hope for us as a couple. Until that moment, I believed that we would eventually be able to work through everything, that I could forgive and forget and we would be able to move past this. And therein lies the rub. I'm sure that eventually, I can forgive Patrick, but the problem is that now I'm aware that he isn't strong enough for me.
The final lesson that I have learned is to know what you want and never settle for less. I want passion, excitement, laughter, and quiet joy. One day I will find that, but until then I'm happy focusing on comingling the person I was with the woman I am.
