Happy Birthday...

My dad's birthday was yesterday-he would have been 57 years old. In many ways, it passed and I hardly noticed it. But each time I had to write the date, each time someone asked what the date was, I remembered. It is somewhat bittersweet. He was my father, half of who I am is who he was at the very basic, genetic level. But he was so far removed that I never really recognized him, never really felt like I had anything in common with him. I have to say that is incredibly sad to say of one's father.
I looked back through this blog to a year ago. It is amazing how much changes in such a short period of time. A year ago, my dad was alive, I was just starting nursing school, Patrick and I were together, I was also still looking for a job and trying to figure out how to make ends meet. They tell you the only guarantee in life is change. It's amazing when you can really qualify that.
I found out today that all my tests were negative. When the doctor told me, I started crying, I was so relieved. It wasn't until that moment that I could really admit that I had been terrified. I'm very lucky that I only came out of this emotionally banged and bruised and not physically.
Friends are the cement that holds the pieces of you together. Male or female, they are so important. For me, here lately, it is so good having male friends. I say that because they, unlike female friends, for the simple fact that they have a penis can cheer you up by just telling you that you are gorgeous or that they would clean up your vomit...or they actually do clean up your vomit. I value my female friends, but I treasure my male friends.
I have found a roommate. One of my classmates is looking for a place to live and as it is so much cheaper for two people to rent together than seperately this works out very nicely. So now, we are on the prowl for a place. There are plenty to choose from, we just have to have the chance to go and look at them. I think next week we will have more than ample time, which works out well because I want to be out of here no later than the first. My poor bed is sitting in the store, just waiting for me to come get it. I need to go buy some bamboo sheets for it. Oh so soft! My own bed. Amazing how that statement illicits such a feeling of joy and independence. I can't wait to sleep on it.

What it really is all about...

I have learned several very valuable lessons over the course of a very short period of time. The first, and perhaps more important one is to never, ever, ever change who you are for anyone. And I do mean, anyone. I changed who I was in order to make my relationship work. I changed how I argue, fight, play...all because the man I was with didn't respond to how I engaged in those things. I would be looking for a fight, passion, excitement, energy...and he would shut down. Disengage. Go underground. So, I changed tactics and in doing so, changed who I am. I allowed myself to be less than I am because a man needed me to be. Granted, I loved (still do love) that man and felt that our future and life together was worth a little self sacrifice. But that little bit, turned into more and more until I was someone I didn't recognize anymore and was miserable.

My second, very valuable lesson, is to always trust your instincts. They are there for a reason and unless you are psychotic (which I am not), you should always at the very least, listen to them. I had a gut feeling that Patrick had been cheating on me, at least emotionally in the beginning, and then the sex I'm sure came later. Particularly during the time that I was in California. When you come back and there are condoms missing, the bed has freshly washed sheets and has been remade "perfectly" that should be a very big red flag. Even more so, when he lies to you and tells you that he just spontaneously took the week off while you were out of town...I would have to say that that is an even more obvious warning sign. But I doubted myself and trusted Patrick.

My third lesson is that no matter what, I'm amazing and there is nothing wrong with me. For years Patrick kept trying to save me, help me, fix me. I kept looking for what needed to be fixed, never really getting an answer from various therapists who figured that because I was abused I must be fucked up. But the truth of the matter is that I'm an incredibly resilient and highly functioning individual. I don't need to be fixed, I don't need to be helped. I'm a good person and a strong woman.

What it really is all about dear reader is that my relationship ended because I expected more from my partner than he was able to deliver. I believe that he loved me...in some ways I'm sure that he still does. But I expected honesty, respect, loyalty, and passion. That isn't to say there never were those things in our relationship, but the bits and pieces he had weren't enough. And in the end all I got from Patrick was disloyalty, dishonesty, manipulation and a severe lack of respect. It took seeing him and this other woman on a date just the other night for me to really awaken to the realization that not only did he lie to me and cheat on me, but that there was absolutely no hope for us as a couple. Until that moment, I believed that we would eventually be able to work through everything, that I could forgive and forget and we would be able to move past this. And therein lies the rub. I'm sure that eventually, I can forgive Patrick, but the problem is that now I'm aware that he isn't strong enough for me.

The final lesson that I have learned is to know what you want and never settle for less. I want passion, excitement, laughter, and quiet joy. One day I will find that, but until then I'm happy focusing on comingling the person I was with the woman I am.

Movin Out

I decided that I need to move out, I really thought that I could make it the next four months living here, under the same roof as Patrick. Feeling the way I do and trying to live under the same roof without passion, desire, playfulness, and joy are wearing me down, to the point where hurt and sadness are being replaced by bitterness and anger. I don't want to hate Patrick...I don't want to resent him. But if I stay here...I will.

So, I'm looking around Santa Fe, hoping that there will be something within my budget. I've looked at Albuquerque as well, but as many people have pointed out, I have a great support system here, I have a job here and the gas alone commuting would probably equal what I would pay in rent here. I've given myself a deadline of the first, and have really been trying to find something that will work. Part of me is really excited about the prospect of my own home. But, part of me is sad too-it is hard when things don't turn out as you were expecting. Everyone has offered to help me move, which is really great because with just ZoomZoom, it would take a lot of trips. Hillary even offered the use of the Suburban, which would be nice to move stuff from Albuquerque, but unfortunately it takes $100.00 to fill the tank... Maybe I can borrow Patrick's truck...or the little green truck.

I am excited about the new bed I bought. Gemma and I went to Denver Mattress and they were having a floor model clearance. I got a queen size pillow top mattress, box spring, and frame for $600.00. It is a floor model but the great thing about this model is that it has been covered the entire time it has been on the floor! They decorated it with sheets and pillows and for some reason that causes customers to stay away from it, so hardly anyone has lain on it. This is the first bed I've bought for myself. I bought Patrick's futon, he bought my futon... So I've never had to buy my own bed until now. It is so comfortable! I'm really looking forward to sleeping on it.

The last two weeks I wasn't really able to work out or train for the 5K. Between psych, clinicals in Las Vegas, work, and Gemma's visit, there really hasn't been any time. Today, I got back into the gym and it felt soooo terrific! I biked for 4 miles, ran a mile straight (no walking), and then caused Emma a great deal of grief by making her do some serious abdominal exercises. Then we went out to the tennis courts with Nic and Max, where they proceded to "teach" us how to play the game. Personally, I suck at it. It is just not the sport for me. Although Nic kept trying to give me tips and pointers, it didn't really help. I just have no talent for tennis. But it was fun running up and down the court chasing the tennis balls. Tomorrow I think we are going to swim. At least I am going to swim. I miss being in the water.

I signed up for the basic EKG class taking place in October. After taking that I can take the 12 lead class and I'm also planning on taking the ACLS class they offer in November. I figure, I may as well take it and get certified because I will either be in emergency or critical care, no med/surg for me! In fact, I'm considering my preceptorship already! It takes place the last 4 weeks of the fourth semester and the school will try to pair you up with a nurse, but I think I have two people in mind. One is a nurse who Lois met at the trauma conference, the other is the nurse who took care of my aunt while she was in CCU. I would love to precept with Lois, as I think she is one of the most incredible nurses I have ever met, but I don't really have an interest in the OR and as one of my classmates is very interested in working with her, I would rather they have that opportunity. I have her in my life and she has been an amazing teacher every day that I have known her.

Grateful for best friends...

I am incredibly lucky. They say that if you have more than one true friend in your life, you are truly blessed. I happen to have two, incredible friends in my life. Two women who have been there for me through just about everything. I also have six very good friends who have supported me and been there for me through one of the worst times of my life.

Last week, I felt so...alone. Which is strange because I am constantly surrounded by really wonderful people, whom I know care about me. But none-the-less, I felt alone and lost. So I emailed Gemma and although I knew she had other, more pressing things to take care of before starting her career on the 10th, I asked her to please come out here for a quick visit-that at that moment, I really needed my best friend. For those who know me...you will understand that this is completely out of character for me and perhaps that will give you an idea as to how desperate I truly was. Her response was to send me her flight itinerary. She didn't ask what I needed, what was happening, or why I needed her at that particular moment. She just came.

She arrived Wednesday and left today. It was so wonderful to have her here, to just have someone around who has known me, really known me, for so many years that I don't have to really explain why I feel the way I do. To have her look at me and say, "we are going to get through this" meant so much to me.

Patrick liked to tell me that I needed to make friends. I have amazing friends. I have incredible people surrounding me every day, who care for me and support me...who love me. And at a time in my life, when I need them most, they are there.