Had an appointment with a counselor this morning. She thinks that couples counseling, an objective third party, would be the best move for us at this point. Until the issues we have are resolved or we have at least started working on them I'm not going to be able to focus on my own. I liked this woman, and think she will be able to help us.
PTSD is a strange thing. It seems to creep up on you and jump up and down on your brain rather than becoming something that you just learn to live with on a daily basis. You go along, thinking you are doing pretty well. Then some type of major stress occurs and all of a sudden you are falling apart. While you might normally be an eloquent, intelligent individual, when you are placed in these types of situations your communication skills fly out the window. Everything feels like it is caving in on you and you are struggling just to breathe. When more stress is introduced, you start to shut down or go into panic mode-which takes an incredible amount of energy.
Today I went to work out at the gym after my morning appointment. I went downstairs after a pretty rigorous work out and started working on the punching bag. I kept punching and punching, so hard that my knuckles were bright red and just about to split. I realized that I had started crying and with that realization I became so incredibly angry. Raging angry. To the point where I stopped punching the bag and started hitting it. Hard. Over and over, yelling and hitting until I couldn't anymore. Exhausted, I sat on the mat for a few minutes, letting it wash over me and then it was gone. As quickly as it came, it left and I felt clear headed, focused and...calm.
With this clarity I was able to really evaluate a few things in my life. I ran into someone today who upon looking at them more clearly, I realized that there is nothing in the world that would cause me to want to change places with them. Nothing. I also realized that I have a lot more courage and am a lot braver than I have ever given myself credit for. I think these things will help me through the next couple of months.
Wednesday, we leave for Gemma and Josh's wedding. Patrick has effectively taken up almost the entire suitcase so now he gets to carry the gift on the plane with him. I'm looking forward to this wedding. To reconnecting with people who meant so much to me. I'm also looking forward to meeting other people who have special meaning in Gemma's life. But most of all, I'm looking forward to having fun. Laughing and joking and having a good time.
