When I look back over the last 6 months, I realize that in life there are times when you need to be broken down to your lowest possible point, in order to be built back up. After three people dying, I now know that it was only through the things happening with Patrick and I that I could truly be brought to my lowest point. Where hopelessness and pain are daily companions and there are times that you don't really want to get out of bed because the idea of facing another day watching the last bits of your heart be ripped out is just unbearable. Knowing that Patrick was hiding things from me, lying to me, and being secretive were all contributing to this and were making me miserable. Watching him pull away physically and emotionally caused me to crawl inside what few defenses I had left and just try to breathe through the pain.
That pain finally came out on Wednesday. I was so angry. Angry at Patrick because the one person I had allowed in and had given my heart to, had betrayed me. I cried and cried so hard it was hard to breathe. Emma tried to soothe me but I hurt so much and was so angry that she couldn't. Patrick walked in then and when he tried to find out what was wrong I told him to leave me alone. I was so afraid that if I looked at him I would just loose it. At first he didn't leave and I kept telling him to leave me alone please, please leave me alone. He left and Lois came in to talk with me. Lois said that she has noticed that the majority of couples have a hard time at the 10 year mark. That night Patrick slept upstairs.
He slept upstairs the following night too. Yesterday one of his classmates asked if Patrick and I had broken up. To which I said no and asked where he had heard that. He said that he had heard it at the hospital but couldn't remember who exactly had said it. I asked Patrick about it and as we stood there outside the school, I watched this man whom I had loved for almost 10 years look at me with such anger and even disgust I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't stand to see him look at me that way. I asked him if he knew how angry I am at him. How absolutely livid I have been. Then I listed off his lying, being secretive, and deceptive. This isn't who we were...we were honest with eachother. We loved eachother. I asked him if he wanted to be with me. He didn't say yes or no, he just said that it has been so hard for him. With my family and the issues I haven't dealt with. He feels like he has carried me and now with graduation and "growing up" he doesn't feel like he can do it anymore. It doesn't help that we live with his mother and have no space of our own. I don't feel that Patrick has carried me. He has been supportive and caring, but he hasn't fought my battles for me. Unfortunately in every relationship you have to deal with the other person's family. That is what you get for loving someone. You work through it. It isn't fun, it isn't fair but it is what you do.
He said that we are compatable on so many levels, but that over the last two years we have changed and he doesn't know if with those changes we can work anymore. Two years, that we haven't had our own anything, that we have lived in a shoebox, that we have tried to make the best of the situation until we could have our own space, our things, our home. He said that he will always love me, and that I will always be his oldest and dearest friend, his best friend. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he didn't know and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted him to be happy and he said that he couldn't be happy knowing I was so sad. I am going to start therapy on Monday and hopefully get some things sorted out. But in dealing with us...I asked him if he wanted to keep trying. By trying I meant that he would move upstairs to his old bedroom and we would take it a day at a time. A break, or a time out for us. To truly give each of us the physical space and time we need and maybe, in doing that, allow us both to heal and maybe have a future together. He said he thought that was a good idea.
So now, Patrick sleeps upstairs and I stay down here in our bedroom. I admit, it is lonely and scary but right now, it is what each of us needs. A time out...and hopefully we will find eachother again.
