Homecoming

Leaving California was hard. For the first time in the last couple of months, I felt comfortable. It was okay to poke fun of myself and the people around me without anyone thinking it had a hidden meaning or agenda - my defenses have been on overdrive because it feels like nothing I say is correct-even joking. This has all been incredibly draining and I'm not sure how much more I have in me...

Today Patrick and I went to Mountainair for Katie and Lizza's combined potluck birthday party, which was supposed to start at 1. We got there at around noon thirty and saw the Shaffer Hotel (finally). Liz and her friends arrived around 1 and while waiting for the rest of the family to arrive, we blew up balloons outside and watched Grace (who is finally walking everywhere) chase after them and try to put the broken remnants in her mouth. My mom didn't arrive until about 2 and by 245 I was ready to eat. I demanded that we start even though Joanie and Mike weren't there. At that point we had been there long enough that I was done being polite. So we went inside, away from the flies, and had a nice lunch/dinner. That is, until after desert.

At this point Katie demands that we play the "Hate/Love" game, which I really don't want to play and should have immediately vetoed, but for whatever reason I didn't. So we start and Patrick, not wanting any part of it gets up and leaves to go read Harry Potter. I am the first to get to hear all about what everyone hates and loves about me...with Joanie going first. It was awful. My emotions are already stretched wire thin and then to hear all about how I "abused" Joanie and what a pretentious bitch I am (Liz's suggestion for Joanie to use). On top of which I am apparently a controlling, obsessive, yet focused individual. I cried. I couldn't stop it. I didn't have anything to retort with, didn't really know what to do other than try to dry my eyes. The game didn't really go on much longer. By that point, seeing that the game was more hurtful than helpful, most people lost interest. Unfortunately, I kept tearing up. My mom, who had left as well-not really liking what she was hearing, hugged me and told me that she was very proud of me, that she loves me, and that she still thinks I give the absolute best gifts of anyone she's ever known (said in an attempt to make me laugh-which of course just made me cry again). Funny, how mom's have a way of knowing just what you need to hear, when you need to hear it. Even more funny, is that my mom has finally accepted Patrick as my choice. Hysterical isn't it?

We leave for Gemma's wedding on Wednesday. I know what I need to say at the wedding, I just need to be able to say it, without crying. Yeah...good luck. I'm actually really excited for this wedding. I'm so very happy for Gemma. She is such a giving person and to see her accomplish everything that she has hoped and worked so hard for is wonderful. I think it will be a great time. But right now...I'm tired and ready to put this day behind me.