When I look back over the last 6 months, I realize that in life there are times when you need to be broken down to your lowest possible point, in order to be built back up. After three people dying, I now know that it was only through the things happening with Patrick and I that I could truly be brought to my lowest point. Where hopelessness and pain are daily companions and there are times that you don't really want to get out of bed because the idea of facing another day watching the last bits of your heart be ripped out is just unbearable. Knowing that Patrick was hiding things from me, lying to me, and being secretive were all contributing to this and were making me miserable. Watching him pull away physically and emotionally caused me to crawl inside what few defenses I had left and just try to breathe through the pain.
That pain finally came out on Wednesday. I was so angry. Angry at Patrick because the one person I had allowed in and had given my heart to, had betrayed me. I cried and cried so hard it was hard to breathe. Emma tried to soothe me but I hurt so much and was so angry that she couldn't. Patrick walked in then and when he tried to find out what was wrong I told him to leave me alone. I was so afraid that if I looked at him I would just loose it. At first he didn't leave and I kept telling him to leave me alone please, please leave me alone. He left and Lois came in to talk with me. Lois said that she has noticed that the majority of couples have a hard time at the 10 year mark. That night Patrick slept upstairs.
He slept upstairs the following night too. Yesterday one of his classmates asked if Patrick and I had broken up. To which I said no and asked where he had heard that. He said that he had heard it at the hospital but couldn't remember who exactly had said it. I asked Patrick about it and as we stood there outside the school, I watched this man whom I had loved for almost 10 years look at me with such anger and even disgust I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't stand to see him look at me that way. I asked him if he knew how angry I am at him. How absolutely livid I have been. Then I listed off his lying, being secretive, and deceptive. This isn't who we were...we were honest with eachother. We loved eachother. I asked him if he wanted to be with me. He didn't say yes or no, he just said that it has been so hard for him. With my family and the issues I haven't dealt with. He feels like he has carried me and now with graduation and "growing up" he doesn't feel like he can do it anymore. It doesn't help that we live with his mother and have no space of our own. I don't feel that Patrick has carried me. He has been supportive and caring, but he hasn't fought my battles for me. Unfortunately in every relationship you have to deal with the other person's family. That is what you get for loving someone. You work through it. It isn't fun, it isn't fair but it is what you do.
He said that we are compatable on so many levels, but that over the last two years we have changed and he doesn't know if with those changes we can work anymore. Two years, that we haven't had our own anything, that we have lived in a shoebox, that we have tried to make the best of the situation until we could have our own space, our things, our home. He said that he will always love me, and that I will always be his oldest and dearest friend, his best friend. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he didn't know and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted him to be happy and he said that he couldn't be happy knowing I was so sad. I am going to start therapy on Monday and hopefully get some things sorted out. But in dealing with us...I asked him if he wanted to keep trying. By trying I meant that he would move upstairs to his old bedroom and we would take it a day at a time. A break, or a time out for us. To truly give each of us the physical space and time we need and maybe, in doing that, allow us both to heal and maybe have a future together. He said he thought that was a good idea.
So now, Patrick sleeps upstairs and I stay down here in our bedroom. I admit, it is lonely and scary but right now, it is what each of us needs. A time out...and hopefully we will find eachother again.
25.8.07
19.8.07
Indian Market
The last couple of days Josh and JoJo have been in town for Indian Market and it has been so good to see them. Friday I was able to hang out with JoJo and another artist Amy, while shopping downtown. It was insane trying to find parking downtown! It took me 45 minutes to find a spot. It wasn't too far from where we were shopping, but it wasn't the most convenient place either. Tonight we went to the gallery showing for Josh and Amy and then went to dinner at El Farol. Dinner was really good and the conversation was even better. It was a lot of fun-but I had a little more to drink than I should have. Tomorrow Josh, JoJo and Amy are coming over for breakfast before they have to be at the gallery. We aren't sure how much more time we will have to see them before they have to leave as this is such a busy time for them. We don't want to monopolize what free time they have, but it is so nice to see them.
Josh's new work includes three large bears that are called "The Conspirators". So far only two of the three are in clay molding, the third still needs to be started. But the sketches that Josh had available were really terrific. It looks like each is displaying various characteristics such as intelligence or pondering lifes mysteries, laughing, and curiosity. The three bears would look wonderful around a pond, or as Patrick pointed out, on the roof acting as gargoyles. Yes, gargoyles on the roof would be interesting. Since Herbie died, there hasn't been a constant presence to keep the elephants away. Maybe these bears would do the job...
The crack is going well. I found out that the pushy guide who had been helping me was Patrick. Go figure. I am finally starting to get the hang of this game and am actually enjoying it. Just in time to start school. Again...go figure.
I have done no preparation for school. Okay, so I have looked over the math a little, but nothing extraordinary. I read the articles for psych, but didn't really retain the material. I haven't assembled my notebooks yet. I am just a slight elevation above slacker right now. But, truthfully, I'm not really worried. Math isn't a problem for me, at least not anymore. The articles we will be discussing in class so the material will be refreshed. And my notebooks...eh. For the most part, I have enjoyed my summer vacation and as such I intend to enjoy this last day of it as well.
My little sister put a quote on her myspace page that I found interesting. "A wise woman kisses, but does not love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." Now I wonder, is that a wise woman or a cold one? Is there any real distinction between the two? Do we live in such a cynical society that a woman must guard her heart so thoroughly in order to avoid the pain of heartbreak? I have known love's joy and pain. Would I want to subject myself to that again? Absolutely. Because even with all the pain, and there can be copious amounts of it, there is still the joy that you experience. The way you light up when he walks in the room. The way he looks at you when he doesn't think you notice. The warmth of his hand taking yours. Watching him smile at you as he wakes up in the morning. Perhaps I will come to learn otherwise in the future, but I don't think I am ready to be a "wise woman".
Josh's new work includes three large bears that are called "The Conspirators". So far only two of the three are in clay molding, the third still needs to be started. But the sketches that Josh had available were really terrific. It looks like each is displaying various characteristics such as intelligence or pondering lifes mysteries, laughing, and curiosity. The three bears would look wonderful around a pond, or as Patrick pointed out, on the roof acting as gargoyles. Yes, gargoyles on the roof would be interesting. Since Herbie died, there hasn't been a constant presence to keep the elephants away. Maybe these bears would do the job...
The crack is going well. I found out that the pushy guide who had been helping me was Patrick. Go figure. I am finally starting to get the hang of this game and am actually enjoying it. Just in time to start school. Again...go figure.
I have done no preparation for school. Okay, so I have looked over the math a little, but nothing extraordinary. I read the articles for psych, but didn't really retain the material. I haven't assembled my notebooks yet. I am just a slight elevation above slacker right now. But, truthfully, I'm not really worried. Math isn't a problem for me, at least not anymore. The articles we will be discussing in class so the material will be refreshed. And my notebooks...eh. For the most part, I have enjoyed my summer vacation and as such I intend to enjoy this last day of it as well.
My little sister put a quote on her myspace page that I found interesting. "A wise woman kisses, but does not love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." Now I wonder, is that a wise woman or a cold one? Is there any real distinction between the two? Do we live in such a cynical society that a woman must guard her heart so thoroughly in order to avoid the pain of heartbreak? I have known love's joy and pain. Would I want to subject myself to that again? Absolutely. Because even with all the pain, and there can be copious amounts of it, there is still the joy that you experience. The way you light up when he walks in the room. The way he looks at you when he doesn't think you notice. The warmth of his hand taking yours. Watching him smile at you as he wakes up in the morning. Perhaps I will come to learn otherwise in the future, but I don't think I am ready to be a "wise woman".
16.8.07
The last few days of freedom
School starts Monday. Part of me is really looking forward to it, while the other parts are almost dreading it. I really just want to get done with school and move forward in this profession. It is just the process of doing so that feels like it is taking forever.
Last night at work there was a code blue on the floor. A man had been given dilaudid and a few minutes later when the nurse went to check on him, he was in respiratory and cardiac arrest. I called the code and went in to help clear the room, while the nurses assembled the Ambu bag and gathered things from the crash cart. After we had cleared the room I asked if there was a pulse or respirations, and was told no. As the nurses got the Ambu bag on the patient I started compressions. The code team arrived and we were quickly replaced as they worked to get a pulse and to get him breathing. The whole situation took maybe 15 minutes from the time he was found to the time he was transported to CCU on a vent, and was fairly surreal. The general consensus was that he wouldn't last too much longer. He was probably septic, and had multi-organ failure. I think it is more a question not of if, but when.
Emma's and my workouts have changed slightly. Patrick has started working with Emma on a regular basis, which she finds painful but I think it has been good for her to see another perspective on training. She has affectionately dubbed us Satan and Satan Jr. Although when saying it, there isn't too much affection that goes into it. She tells me that although Patrick and I are slightly different in our approaches to working with her, we are both really good at being patient and pushing her when we know she has it in her but backing down when we know she needs it. I think Patrick is looking for affirmation that his work outs are better than mine, but since he never worked out with Emma and I before, he really doesn't have anything but Emma's response to gauge that by. Emma, thinks both of us are equally intense and pushy.
I have found...crack. Computer game crack that is. Patrick introduced me to WOW (World of Warcraft) and I am really enjoying it. There has been this character who has been helping me out along the way. He's been really helpful but is pretty pushy and at times kind of a sarcastic ass. While I appreciate his help some of his comments are really annoying and even condescending. Especially considering that I have never played this before and have no real experience in exploring games like this. At least not in recent history. I may just tell him to leave me alone if he keeps it up...I may die a lot more, but at least I won't have to put up with his attitude.
Speaking of...time to get my crack on.
Last night at work there was a code blue on the floor. A man had been given dilaudid and a few minutes later when the nurse went to check on him, he was in respiratory and cardiac arrest. I called the code and went in to help clear the room, while the nurses assembled the Ambu bag and gathered things from the crash cart. After we had cleared the room I asked if there was a pulse or respirations, and was told no. As the nurses got the Ambu bag on the patient I started compressions. The code team arrived and we were quickly replaced as they worked to get a pulse and to get him breathing. The whole situation took maybe 15 minutes from the time he was found to the time he was transported to CCU on a vent, and was fairly surreal. The general consensus was that he wouldn't last too much longer. He was probably septic, and had multi-organ failure. I think it is more a question not of if, but when.
Emma's and my workouts have changed slightly. Patrick has started working with Emma on a regular basis, which she finds painful but I think it has been good for her to see another perspective on training. She has affectionately dubbed us Satan and Satan Jr. Although when saying it, there isn't too much affection that goes into it. She tells me that although Patrick and I are slightly different in our approaches to working with her, we are both really good at being patient and pushing her when we know she has it in her but backing down when we know she needs it. I think Patrick is looking for affirmation that his work outs are better than mine, but since he never worked out with Emma and I before, he really doesn't have anything but Emma's response to gauge that by. Emma, thinks both of us are equally intense and pushy.
I have found...crack. Computer game crack that is. Patrick introduced me to WOW (World of Warcraft) and I am really enjoying it. There has been this character who has been helping me out along the way. He's been really helpful but is pretty pushy and at times kind of a sarcastic ass. While I appreciate his help some of his comments are really annoying and even condescending. Especially considering that I have never played this before and have no real experience in exploring games like this. At least not in recent history. I may just tell him to leave me alone if he keeps it up...I may die a lot more, but at least I won't have to put up with his attitude.
Speaking of...time to get my crack on.
12.8.07
Gemma & Josh's Wedding
The wedding was really great. Gemma looked amazing. The gown she had made was a mandarin style, a soft (not garish) red that had butterflies all over the material and then on her back she had pinned 15 golden butterfly pins that fluttered when she moved. She looked soft and elegant, with just a touch of vulnerability.
Actually, everyone looked wonderful. Patrick told me I looked nice. Not exactly what I was going for, but... During the ceremony it was so incredibly hot and humid that sweat was dripping down my legs in streams. It was SO gross. I kept hoping for a breeze that never really came. But at least we weren't in the direct sun too much. The ceremony itself was very nice. I really liked the stories that each member of the bridal party told. I can say that Will's speech was the best. As it was his birthday he summed up with Gemma and Josh being they type to share every thing they have with their friends, including their wedding day. It was really terrific and he was the only one to receive applause from the crowd. Mine...well, I started off blubbering once I looked up at Gemma and Josh. It was down hill from there. I'm not sure what it was, exactly, that I said. I do remember I got a couple of laughs (thank god!). It happened so fast that I didn't really have time to think much about what I was saying once I was up there-I guess it wasn't too bad though because I had several people come up to me after the ceremony to tell me how moving and touching they thought what I said was. One lady, whom I had never met before, told me I moved her to tears. It was one big crying jag. Once I had finished and went to stand back over by Will and Pete, I turned to Will and asked him if I looked like a racoon (due to my sweating and inability to stop crying). Will looked at me and said simply, "Becca, you look absolutely gorgeous". It was so nice to hear that.
The reception went well and was a lot of fun. We laughed and danced (to some not so great music...I mean the DJ only had the country version of the Time Warp!!! The country version?!!? What kind of crap is that?). I got to see Monu, Daniel, and Mr. O'Mera as well as Mr. Tindal who insisted that I come out to NC and "do some theatre". I told him I would see if that couldn't be arranged. I even got Patrick to dance with me twice. I wish we had been able to get more pictures but I'm hoping that Gemma will post some on a website where we can purchase them if we like. I was sad that I didn't have the chance to say good-bye to Gemma before they left as we are leaving early in the morning and won't see them before hand. But that is the great thing about best friends, sometimes you don't have to say good bye.
Actually, everyone looked wonderful. Patrick told me I looked nice. Not exactly what I was going for, but... During the ceremony it was so incredibly hot and humid that sweat was dripping down my legs in streams. It was SO gross. I kept hoping for a breeze that never really came. But at least we weren't in the direct sun too much. The ceremony itself was very nice. I really liked the stories that each member of the bridal party told. I can say that Will's speech was the best. As it was his birthday he summed up with Gemma and Josh being they type to share every thing they have with their friends, including their wedding day. It was really terrific and he was the only one to receive applause from the crowd. Mine...well, I started off blubbering once I looked up at Gemma and Josh. It was down hill from there. I'm not sure what it was, exactly, that I said. I do remember I got a couple of laughs (thank god!). It happened so fast that I didn't really have time to think much about what I was saying once I was up there-I guess it wasn't too bad though because I had several people come up to me after the ceremony to tell me how moving and touching they thought what I said was. One lady, whom I had never met before, told me I moved her to tears. It was one big crying jag. Once I had finished and went to stand back over by Will and Pete, I turned to Will and asked him if I looked like a racoon (due to my sweating and inability to stop crying). Will looked at me and said simply, "Becca, you look absolutely gorgeous". It was so nice to hear that.
The reception went well and was a lot of fun. We laughed and danced (to some not so great music...I mean the DJ only had the country version of the Time Warp!!! The country version?!!? What kind of crap is that?). I got to see Monu, Daniel, and Mr. O'Mera as well as Mr. Tindal who insisted that I come out to NC and "do some theatre". I told him I would see if that couldn't be arranged. I even got Patrick to dance with me twice. I wish we had been able to get more pictures but I'm hoping that Gemma will post some on a website where we can purchase them if we like. I was sad that I didn't have the chance to say good-bye to Gemma before they left as we are leaving early in the morning and won't see them before hand. But that is the great thing about best friends, sometimes you don't have to say good bye.
Bachelorette Party
Last night was Gemma's bachelorette party. Josh went with a group of guys, including Patrick, to Charlotte to a place called Dave & Busters - which is like a Chuck E Cheese for adults. For the ladies, ten of us went out for the evening, first stopping by Starbucks for sustanence (aka caffeine). We started out the evening at a comedy club in Greensboro, which was fun. The MC and opener were better than the headliner. Gemma, because she was the bachelorette, was brought onstage and given a blowjob shot. Which she did very well, no hands! After the comedy club we went to a friend's house where we had drinks and played "bachelorette games" - similar to reindeer games although more risquee. I ended up coming home with a penis straw... Our final event of the evening was to go to a line-dancing club where we danced and watched Karen ride a mechanical bull. We got back to Gemma and Josh's house around 230 and the guys got there at about 3. We were so exhausted that Patrick and I slept in until 1 pm today. Personally, I thought it was only around 9 am but with the heavy drapes pulled and the room being nice and cold it is easy to see why we slept so long.
The rehersal today went well, better than expected actually, and when we were done we all went to Golden Corral for the rehersal dinner. While the food wasn't great, the company and conversation was. I got to really talk with Will and Kristine and then Pete decided we were cool enough to come hang out with. For bridal party gifts, the guys received Nerf guns...not just any Nerf guns, but Super Nerf guns. Patrick appeared very impressed by this gift and truthfully, it was perfect for the group that was Josh's groomsmen. For the bridesmaids, we received a pearl necklace and matching stud earings from the Phillipines. They are absolutely gorgeous. Mine is a little tight (they are made for tiny little Filipino necks), but I figure with time it will loosen as I lose more weight.
After the rehersal dinner, Patrick and I went to see Stardust, a new fantastic movie that is very much in keeping with The Princess Bride tale. Very magical and entertaining. I absolutely loved it. Tomorrow is the wedding and I'm still trying to decide what to say for my "speech". Unfortunately, I don't have too much to say regarding Josh as I haven't been around for the majority of their relationship. It was suggested that I mention that Gemma is like herpes in that I just can't seem to get rid of her and that through all of high school she was tenacious enough to stick by me, even when I just wanted to be left alone. I figured that if I couldn't mention the slut story, herpes were definately out of the question.
The rehersal today went well, better than expected actually, and when we were done we all went to Golden Corral for the rehersal dinner. While the food wasn't great, the company and conversation was. I got to really talk with Will and Kristine and then Pete decided we were cool enough to come hang out with. For bridal party gifts, the guys received Nerf guns...not just any Nerf guns, but Super Nerf guns. Patrick appeared very impressed by this gift and truthfully, it was perfect for the group that was Josh's groomsmen. For the bridesmaids, we received a pearl necklace and matching stud earings from the Phillipines. They are absolutely gorgeous. Mine is a little tight (they are made for tiny little Filipino necks), but I figure with time it will loosen as I lose more weight.
After the rehersal dinner, Patrick and I went to see Stardust, a new fantastic movie that is very much in keeping with The Princess Bride tale. Very magical and entertaining. I absolutely loved it. Tomorrow is the wedding and I'm still trying to decide what to say for my "speech". Unfortunately, I don't have too much to say regarding Josh as I haven't been around for the majority of their relationship. It was suggested that I mention that Gemma is like herpes in that I just can't seem to get rid of her and that through all of high school she was tenacious enough to stick by me, even when I just wanted to be left alone. I figured that if I couldn't mention the slut story, herpes were definately out of the question.
10.8.07
Winston Salem
We arrived yesterday in Raleigh-Durham and were immediately hit by a wall of heat and humidity. Of course we would arrive at the beginning of a heat wave on the eastern seaboard. But fortunately, we were able to navigate through the airport, get our rental car (assisted by a "wonderful" man named Mohammed) and after a delicious dinner at Cheesecake Factory, made our way to Winston Salem.
Our hotel is nice and in a convenient area, close to the highway. Today we had planned on going to Tanglewood, but with this heat and humidity, we actually stayed in the hotel as long as possible. Air conditioning is a must here and we have tried to take full advantage of it.
Tonight we went to Gemma and Josh's for an informal dinner where we met quite a few of their Wake friends. The rest we get to meet tomorrow at Kristine's pool party. It was good to see Kate, Will and Pete - as they are the only ones I really knew. Dinner was good and everyone was really nice. It was interesting being in the same room with so many lawyers after spending so much time with nurses/nursing students. Very different conversations, yet many of the same underlying concepts. Politics, academics, or job related issues or stories. After hearing some of the stories being passed around tonight, I know for certain that I made the right choice in not going to law school. I don't think it would suit me. I'm sure I would be brilliant at it, but I don't think I have the patience for it. I'm glad that the choice I made, to go into nursing, seems to be the right one for me. I'm hoping that over the course of the next year I will find my niche within the field, and from there be able to make some decisions about graduate programs.
Tomorrow we go to see Body Worlds before the party at Kristine's. While we are here to see my friends and celebrate their wedding, I wanted to make sure that Patrick and I do some things together-just us, so that this would be enjoyable for him as well. Since Tanglewood and Biltmore didn't work out I'm glad that we have Body Worlds available. I think we'll have a busy, but good day tomorrow.
Our hotel is nice and in a convenient area, close to the highway. Today we had planned on going to Tanglewood, but with this heat and humidity, we actually stayed in the hotel as long as possible. Air conditioning is a must here and we have tried to take full advantage of it.
Tonight we went to Gemma and Josh's for an informal dinner where we met quite a few of their Wake friends. The rest we get to meet tomorrow at Kristine's pool party. It was good to see Kate, Will and Pete - as they are the only ones I really knew. Dinner was good and everyone was really nice. It was interesting being in the same room with so many lawyers after spending so much time with nurses/nursing students. Very different conversations, yet many of the same underlying concepts. Politics, academics, or job related issues or stories. After hearing some of the stories being passed around tonight, I know for certain that I made the right choice in not going to law school. I don't think it would suit me. I'm sure I would be brilliant at it, but I don't think I have the patience for it. I'm glad that the choice I made, to go into nursing, seems to be the right one for me. I'm hoping that over the course of the next year I will find my niche within the field, and from there be able to make some decisions about graduate programs.
Tomorrow we go to see Body Worlds before the party at Kristine's. While we are here to see my friends and celebrate their wedding, I wanted to make sure that Patrick and I do some things together-just us, so that this would be enjoyable for him as well. Since Tanglewood and Biltmore didn't work out I'm glad that we have Body Worlds available. I think we'll have a busy, but good day tomorrow.
6.8.07
Working through...
Had an appointment with a counselor this morning. She thinks that couples counseling, an objective third party, would be the best move for us at this point. Until the issues we have are resolved or we have at least started working on them I'm not going to be able to focus on my own. I liked this woman, and think she will be able to help us.
PTSD is a strange thing. It seems to creep up on you and jump up and down on your brain rather than becoming something that you just learn to live with on a daily basis. You go along, thinking you are doing pretty well. Then some type of major stress occurs and all of a sudden you are falling apart. While you might normally be an eloquent, intelligent individual, when you are placed in these types of situations your communication skills fly out the window. Everything feels like it is caving in on you and you are struggling just to breathe. When more stress is introduced, you start to shut down or go into panic mode-which takes an incredible amount of energy.
Today I went to work out at the gym after my morning appointment. I went downstairs after a pretty rigorous work out and started working on the punching bag. I kept punching and punching, so hard that my knuckles were bright red and just about to split. I realized that I had started crying and with that realization I became so incredibly angry. Raging angry. To the point where I stopped punching the bag and started hitting it. Hard. Over and over, yelling and hitting until I couldn't anymore. Exhausted, I sat on the mat for a few minutes, letting it wash over me and then it was gone. As quickly as it came, it left and I felt clear headed, focused and...calm.
With this clarity I was able to really evaluate a few things in my life. I ran into someone today who upon looking at them more clearly, I realized that there is nothing in the world that would cause me to want to change places with them. Nothing. I also realized that I have a lot more courage and am a lot braver than I have ever given myself credit for. I think these things will help me through the next couple of months.
Wednesday, we leave for Gemma and Josh's wedding. Patrick has effectively taken up almost the entire suitcase so now he gets to carry the gift on the plane with him. I'm looking forward to this wedding. To reconnecting with people who meant so much to me. I'm also looking forward to meeting other people who have special meaning in Gemma's life. But most of all, I'm looking forward to having fun. Laughing and joking and having a good time.
PTSD is a strange thing. It seems to creep up on you and jump up and down on your brain rather than becoming something that you just learn to live with on a daily basis. You go along, thinking you are doing pretty well. Then some type of major stress occurs and all of a sudden you are falling apart. While you might normally be an eloquent, intelligent individual, when you are placed in these types of situations your communication skills fly out the window. Everything feels like it is caving in on you and you are struggling just to breathe. When more stress is introduced, you start to shut down or go into panic mode-which takes an incredible amount of energy.
Today I went to work out at the gym after my morning appointment. I went downstairs after a pretty rigorous work out and started working on the punching bag. I kept punching and punching, so hard that my knuckles were bright red and just about to split. I realized that I had started crying and with that realization I became so incredibly angry. Raging angry. To the point where I stopped punching the bag and started hitting it. Hard. Over and over, yelling and hitting until I couldn't anymore. Exhausted, I sat on the mat for a few minutes, letting it wash over me and then it was gone. As quickly as it came, it left and I felt clear headed, focused and...calm.
With this clarity I was able to really evaluate a few things in my life. I ran into someone today who upon looking at them more clearly, I realized that there is nothing in the world that would cause me to want to change places with them. Nothing. I also realized that I have a lot more courage and am a lot braver than I have ever given myself credit for. I think these things will help me through the next couple of months.
Wednesday, we leave for Gemma and Josh's wedding. Patrick has effectively taken up almost the entire suitcase so now he gets to carry the gift on the plane with him. I'm looking forward to this wedding. To reconnecting with people who meant so much to me. I'm also looking forward to meeting other people who have special meaning in Gemma's life. But most of all, I'm looking forward to having fun. Laughing and joking and having a good time.
5.8.07
Homecoming
Leaving California was hard. For the first time in the last couple of months, I felt comfortable. It was okay to poke fun of myself and the people around me without anyone thinking it had a hidden meaning or agenda - my defenses have been on overdrive because it feels like nothing I say is correct-even joking. This has all been incredibly draining and I'm not sure how much more I have in me...
Today Patrick and I went to Mountainair for Katie and Lizza's combined potluck birthday party, which was supposed to start at 1. We got there at around noon thirty and saw the Shaffer Hotel (finally). Liz and her friends arrived around 1 and while waiting for the rest of the family to arrive, we blew up balloons outside and watched Grace (who is finally walking everywhere) chase after them and try to put the broken remnants in her mouth. My mom didn't arrive until about 2 and by 245 I was ready to eat. I demanded that we start even though Joanie and Mike weren't there. At that point we had been there long enough that I was done being polite. So we went inside, away from the flies, and had a nice lunch/dinner. That is, until after desert.
At this point Katie demands that we play the "Hate/Love" game, which I really don't want to play and should have immediately vetoed, but for whatever reason I didn't. So we start and Patrick, not wanting any part of it gets up and leaves to go read Harry Potter. I am the first to get to hear all about what everyone hates and loves about me...with Joanie going first. It was awful. My emotions are already stretched wire thin and then to hear all about how I "abused" Joanie and what a pretentious bitch I am (Liz's suggestion for Joanie to use). On top of which I am apparently a controlling, obsessive, yet focused individual. I cried. I couldn't stop it. I didn't have anything to retort with, didn't really know what to do other than try to dry my eyes. The game didn't really go on much longer. By that point, seeing that the game was more hurtful than helpful, most people lost interest. Unfortunately, I kept tearing up. My mom, who had left as well-not really liking what she was hearing, hugged me and told me that she was very proud of me, that she loves me, and that she still thinks I give the absolute best gifts of anyone she's ever known (said in an attempt to make me laugh-which of course just made me cry again). Funny, how mom's have a way of knowing just what you need to hear, when you need to hear it. Even more funny, is that my mom has finally accepted Patrick as my choice. Hysterical isn't it?
We leave for Gemma's wedding on Wednesday. I know what I need to say at the wedding, I just need to be able to say it, without crying. Yeah...good luck. I'm actually really excited for this wedding. I'm so very happy for Gemma. She is such a giving person and to see her accomplish everything that she has hoped and worked so hard for is wonderful. I think it will be a great time. But right now...I'm tired and ready to put this day behind me.
Today Patrick and I went to Mountainair for Katie and Lizza's combined potluck birthday party, which was supposed to start at 1. We got there at around noon thirty and saw the Shaffer Hotel (finally). Liz and her friends arrived around 1 and while waiting for the rest of the family to arrive, we blew up balloons outside and watched Grace (who is finally walking everywhere) chase after them and try to put the broken remnants in her mouth. My mom didn't arrive until about 2 and by 245 I was ready to eat. I demanded that we start even though Joanie and Mike weren't there. At that point we had been there long enough that I was done being polite. So we went inside, away from the flies, and had a nice lunch/dinner. That is, until after desert.
At this point Katie demands that we play the "Hate/Love" game, which I really don't want to play and should have immediately vetoed, but for whatever reason I didn't. So we start and Patrick, not wanting any part of it gets up and leaves to go read Harry Potter. I am the first to get to hear all about what everyone hates and loves about me...with Joanie going first. It was awful. My emotions are already stretched wire thin and then to hear all about how I "abused" Joanie and what a pretentious bitch I am (Liz's suggestion for Joanie to use). On top of which I am apparently a controlling, obsessive, yet focused individual. I cried. I couldn't stop it. I didn't have anything to retort with, didn't really know what to do other than try to dry my eyes. The game didn't really go on much longer. By that point, seeing that the game was more hurtful than helpful, most people lost interest. Unfortunately, I kept tearing up. My mom, who had left as well-not really liking what she was hearing, hugged me and told me that she was very proud of me, that she loves me, and that she still thinks I give the absolute best gifts of anyone she's ever known (said in an attempt to make me laugh-which of course just made me cry again). Funny, how mom's have a way of knowing just what you need to hear, when you need to hear it. Even more funny, is that my mom has finally accepted Patrick as my choice. Hysterical isn't it?
We leave for Gemma's wedding on Wednesday. I know what I need to say at the wedding, I just need to be able to say it, without crying. Yeah...good luck. I'm actually really excited for this wedding. I'm so very happy for Gemma. She is such a giving person and to see her accomplish everything that she has hoped and worked so hard for is wonderful. I think it will be a great time. But right now...I'm tired and ready to put this day behind me.
3.8.07
San Francisco
Today started very early, around 7 am, when we left for the two hour trip to San Francisco. We drove to Dublin where we caught the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) which took us into the Bay Area. The first thing I noticed was that it was pretty cold once we arrived in Dublin. About 20 degrees cooler I would guess. The BART ride was uneventful, and relaxing because there weren't a lot of people on board.
Once we got to SF, we took a trolly car (the only moving historical landmarks) to Fisherman's Wharf and at once headed for Ghirardelli where we shared a sundae. This is apparently a pre-requisit for any trip to SF. After the sundae we were rejuvenated enough to start walking around. We went down to the pier area and explored a little and then caught the Hop On & Hop Off bus to explore the extent of the city more thoroughly. The first bus we caught, the tour guide was awful. So bad that Julie and I just kept making fun of her. Half the trip she was badmouthing the city, the other half she just didn't know what she was talking about. To be fair, she was in training, but personally we decided we would have fired her. We got off and wandered around union square where the really high end shops are located and where neither of us really found anything wonderful enough that it warranted us breaking the bank. So we got on another bus where the tour guide was knowledgeable, but sounded awful. We just couldn't catch a break! We got off in Chinatown in the hopes of located The Stinking Rose, which is a restaurant that Lois and Patrick had raved about. Of course, the directions that Patrick had given us weren't very helpful and when we tried calling him to see if he could offer more help, he didn't answer. So we waited for and got back on the bus, with the same awful first tour guide. And as we go through Little Italy, we pass The Stinking Rose. Of course.
We end up back at Fisherman's Wharf and get off at Pier 39 where we wander around in and out of the little shops. After a short while, we decided we were hungry and went to the #9 Fisherman's Grotto for the famous bread bowl clam chowder. Now, not having had wheat in quite a while, I was apprehensive about eating something that came in a breadbowl, but when in Rome... The bread was exquisit! Absolutely wonderful. I only ate a small amount, but what I did eat was really good, especailly with the clam chowder. I bought two loaves to bring back to Santa Fe with me.
After dinner, we decided to go on a harbor cruise. As we're standing in line, an employee asks if we were planning on paying in cash, we said yes and he waved a man over who was trying to get rid of some tickets that he and his family couldn't use. He offered them to us at half price so of course we couldn't turn them down! We got on the boat, froze half to death and had a great time listening to the narration about the history of the Bay Area, the Golden Gate Bridge, and Alcatraz as we circled around. We got lots of great pictures and have memories that will last. We are already talking about what we'll do the next time I'm in town.
Unfortunately, the day was starting to end and after a cup of Ghirardelli hot chocolate (because apparently we have to end as we began), we made our way back to the trolly and then onto BART and finally home.
All told, a truly awesome trip. Now, I am off to bed. Tomorrow it is back to reality and NM.
Once we got to SF, we took a trolly car (the only moving historical landmarks) to Fisherman's Wharf and at once headed for Ghirardelli where we shared a sundae. This is apparently a pre-requisit for any trip to SF. After the sundae we were rejuvenated enough to start walking around. We went down to the pier area and explored a little and then caught the Hop On & Hop Off bus to explore the extent of the city more thoroughly. The first bus we caught, the tour guide was awful. So bad that Julie and I just kept making fun of her. Half the trip she was badmouthing the city, the other half she just didn't know what she was talking about. To be fair, she was in training, but personally we decided we would have fired her. We got off and wandered around union square where the really high end shops are located and where neither of us really found anything wonderful enough that it warranted us breaking the bank. So we got on another bus where the tour guide was knowledgeable, but sounded awful. We just couldn't catch a break! We got off in Chinatown in the hopes of located The Stinking Rose, which is a restaurant that Lois and Patrick had raved about. Of course, the directions that Patrick had given us weren't very helpful and when we tried calling him to see if he could offer more help, he didn't answer. So we waited for and got back on the bus, with the same awful first tour guide. And as we go through Little Italy, we pass The Stinking Rose. Of course.
We end up back at Fisherman's Wharf and get off at Pier 39 where we wander around in and out of the little shops. After a short while, we decided we were hungry and went to the #9 Fisherman's Grotto for the famous bread bowl clam chowder. Now, not having had wheat in quite a while, I was apprehensive about eating something that came in a breadbowl, but when in Rome... The bread was exquisit! Absolutely wonderful. I only ate a small amount, but what I did eat was really good, especailly with the clam chowder. I bought two loaves to bring back to Santa Fe with me.
After dinner, we decided to go on a harbor cruise. As we're standing in line, an employee asks if we were planning on paying in cash, we said yes and he waved a man over who was trying to get rid of some tickets that he and his family couldn't use. He offered them to us at half price so of course we couldn't turn them down! We got on the boat, froze half to death and had a great time listening to the narration about the history of the Bay Area, the Golden Gate Bridge, and Alcatraz as we circled around. We got lots of great pictures and have memories that will last. We are already talking about what we'll do the next time I'm in town.
Unfortunately, the day was starting to end and after a cup of Ghirardelli hot chocolate (because apparently we have to end as we began), we made our way back to the trolly and then onto BART and finally home.
All told, a truly awesome trip. Now, I am off to bed. Tomorrow it is back to reality and NM.
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