Julie & California

I'm here and having a wonderful time. The flight was long but the company, ExpressJet, is really great. I was offered three different types of snacks, a meal (granted it was airline food but it was a meal none-the-less), and several times I was offered another drink. The flight crew were friendly and pleasant. It was, by far, one of the best flights I have been on in a long time.

Julie picked me up and we had dinner in Old Sac (the older part of downtown Sacramento) at Joe's Crab Shack. The crab was really good, which was surprising being that it is a chain. The atmosphere was fun, the staff danced to "Ain't Goin Down till the Sun Comes Up" and our server was engaging. I finally bought a "Bite Me" t-shirt and after dinner we walked around the area stopping in candy shops for free samples of salt water taffy.

Julie was anxious to hear about what has been happening with Patrick and I lately as I really didn't tell her much over email.
I am trying to be optimistic when it comes to us. He was, after all the one who said he wanted us to work at our relationship. That 10 years together are worth the effort. There are moments, usually brief ones but moments, when I see Patrick. The man who is kind, gentle, affectionate and passionate. I don't know where that man went, but seeing those glimpses of the man I love are what gives me hope and determination that we can get past this.

Julie was, for once, speechless. Which is an accompishment. She didn't really know what to say, only that she hates seeing me so sad and that he should take the stick out of his ass. She has been great about allowing me to work through this without giving me anger-induced advice. My sister told me to get the hell out. To run hard and fast because no man is worth this. Julie listens, hugs me and offers copious amounts of chocolate, and then we laugh.

If nothing else, this trip has been good for me in that it will allow me some distance and will (hopefully) allow some perspective as well. Both Julie and Andrew have been amazing. They have the type of relationship I envisioned Patrick and I would have once we had our own home. Each with their own space and jobs, but when they are together they are truly together-enjoying eachother's company and companionship. They are happy and it is brilliant to see. Best of all, they laugh and it is infectious. Which more than anything, I desperately need. I love to laugh and I have done so little of it lately.

Today I will hang around the house and watch movies or read. Tomorrow I'll go in with her and tour the city and troll for shoes. We are going to try for SF on Thursday, providing Julie doesn't get called in. Friday I leave, but not before stopping for a wine tasting. Julie says that the Zinfandel they have at this winery is terrific and the wine tasting is FREE!

Gearing up to go

Monday I leave for California, and I'm very excited! I get to spend a whole week just relaxing and enjoying spending time with my friend. Then, in a quirky twist of irony, I get to go to the opposite side of the country to celebrate Gemma and Josh getting married. In a way, it is bittersweet for me considering the pain of the last couple of months. But, pain lets you know you are alive. There isn't anywhere I would rather be, than there with them as my best friend marries the man she loves. Funny how just two short years ago I was in California celebrating with Julie and Andrew as they got married.

Found out that the accident that totaled Liz's car wasn't her fault after all. That is why she wasn't cited. The insurance and police believe that it was fraud and are pursuing it from their end. Fortunately, that means Liz doesn't have to worry about losing her insurance. She seems to be doing well in the weeks since her divorce. She said that when Jason told her that he didn't love her, she knew there was nothing left of them. But to be fair, Jason is damaged. I though we (my family) had issues until I learned about some of the things involved in his family and life. I'm glad she got out before another child was brought into that situation, before she was drug deeper into it.

Katie seems to be doing better since her break down. She called and asked me to come for a visit. Next Saturday I am off and asked Patrick if he would go down there with me. Grudgingly, he agreed to go. Granted, Mountainair isn't the most glamorous place in the world...certainly not the most glamorous place in NM, but my sister would like us to visit her and to see Grace. I think we can take one Saturday out of our summer and visit her.

Mike is going to be a father. The baby is due sometime in February and no one in my family has met the woman. She refused to go to my mother's birthday BBQ at the last minute and has refused other invitations. This does not bode well for future encounters with our new niece or nephew.

Lois is having a marvelous time in Norway. She and Jean have seen some amazing countryside and have nothing but praise for the people they have met. The pictures she has sent are absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately, fish or some type of seafood is part of every meal, which pretty much takes Norway off the list of possible places to visit for Patrick.

The training is still going well. Running doesn't hurt anywhere near as much as it used to. It is getting easier and with the music I am able to find a rhythm and kind of zone out.

Patrick still loves the ED. He wants to work there after graduation and it sounds like he will be moving down to Albuquerque in January to "start his life". Have you ever wondered at change? How quickly it can happen...or how blindly we become to it when we don't like what we see? I have wondered a great deal about change the last couple of weeks. It is painful, hurtful, and sometimes all you want to do is curl up in a ball and wait for it to be over. But if change can take a caterpillar and turn it into something as beautiful as a butterfly, who is to say that it can't have the same effect on us?

Harry Potter

I have just finished reading the last Harry Potter book. It was by far, the most magical and amazing story I have ever read. From the beginning to end, it allowed me to experience love, friendship, sacrifice, and honor in some of the truest ways possible. I feel fortunate that my generation was able to experience this spectacular story and I look forward to reading it to my children one day. Interesting, isn't it, that the love and joy of reading is reestablished by such a story.
In other news...
Patrick pulled a muscle in his back the other day lifting weights. He took yesterday off work and today walked around the track and sat in the hot tub at the school in an effort to soothe the knots and relax the muscle. Apparently I was being too "motherly" in my concern for him, which he found annoying, so I have backed off to let him deal with it as he feels works best for him. He is afterall, a grown man and can take care of himself.
Liz was in a car accident that totaled her car. She had some minor scraps and burns from the air bag, but assured me she was fine. Unfortunately, the accident was her fault. She had reached to answer her cell phone and rear ended the car in front of her. I'm sure that her insurance company will not be too happy about this, as it is her third accident (all of which have been her fault).
Got in 40 laps at the pool today, which is a new high for me. Usually I do about 25. Today though I wasn't tiring as quickly and I felt really good, so I kept going. I think that since Emma is out of town this week, I may just focus on swimming to build up my cardio. Then next week I am out of town, in CA, so I will try to get in some walking. It won't be the same since I will be at a lower elevation - and not knowing where the heck I am going in that area won't help much either. But the purpose of this trip is to get away and clear my head and exercise seems to really help with that - so a-walking I will go. It will be so good to see Julie again.
My shoes for Gemma's wedding still haven't arrived - which has me worried. I need to call them tomorrow to find out where the heck they are. Inevitably, I will call and they will arrive tomorrow afternoon.

California Bound

I am off to California at the end of July to visit Julie and Andrew for a week. I wasn't sure, at first, that taking two trips back-to-back was a great idea. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a great way to spend the last few weeks of the summer. A week with Julie and then 4 days after I get back Patrick and I are bound for NC for Gemma's wedding.
I'm really excited about this wedding now. I have a beautiful dress that I look "amazing" in and it is actually something I can wear again! I also found some great shoes that won't kill my feet (thankfully!). Now, all I have to do is fine tune what I am going to say at the wedding. I have a general idea, but I don't want to start crying...which is a distinct possibility.
I went with Lois the other day and bought a suitcase that will hold everything for this trip. It is large enough that it will hold my dress, the gift Lois is sending along with us, as well as Patrick's suit, and all the rest of my clothing. It should also come in handy when we go to Hadrian's Wall in May. While we will only be there a little over a week, I never know what I may find and want to bring back with us.
The training for the marathon is going well. Today we walked 3 miles outside. There is no doubt it is going to be a challenge, but one I grow more and more confident that we are up for. It has been interesting watching the changes in just the two short weeks that we have been seriously working towards this goal. My legs are toned, I have lost quite a bit of weight and I feel really good. I have an image in my head of what we will look and feel like when we are done with the marathon and it provides such motivation! But, the best part of this experience has been watching my friend go from feeling like she can't do this marathon, to her feeling confident in her ability to do it.

A New Form of Torture

I have discovered...the rowing machine. Yesterday in the gym I ran (which is getting easier) and afterwards decided I needed to work on my back so of course I go to the one machine I haven't tried in about 6 years. The rower. It was brutal. I was only able to do 5 minutes and somehow, in that time was able to cause my back and upper arms enough grief that I decided to take a break today. It was a great work out but I am very sore in places that I'm usually not. I think I will be going back to it tomorrow.

We are planning a trip to Hadrian's Wall in May of 2008 (actually the day after I graduate from nursing school). There is a historical fiction novel based on the Wall during the Roman occupation of Britan that I had been trying to find to read. Unfortunately, the only copy was checked out at the library and it is not in print any longer. Fortunately, Patrick knew the guy who checked the book out and was able to borrow it from him so I could read it. It is a very interesting story so far, and I'm really enjoying it.

Our room is coming along...a little slower than I would like but at least most of the elements needed are ordered. I finally found a border to cover up the existing, flowery one. I also bought a beautifully framed mirror to cover the hole in our wall from an old speaker system. Of course I couldn't possibly patch the hole, that would make no sense what-so-ever. Finally, I went to the frame shop and asked if they could create a wooden valance from some of their moulding and although it was more expensive than a plain wooden one, it will add a lot of depth and character to the space. Even though I will only be living here for about another year, it feels so much more comfortable and relaxing now. I feel like I have a space that I have some control of. After living here for 2 years...I finally took the initiative and made it mine.

My dress for Gemma's wedding arrived. It is, in a word, perfect. I tried it on for Emma and Lois and they both loved it. I look elegant and beautiful in it and I can't wait to wear it. Which for me...is almost unheard of. I'm usually terrified of dresses and even more afraid of white dresses. But I really feel good in this dress. It is light enough that I shouldn't be sweating like a pig in heat (even in Winston Salem in August) and loose enough that I will be able to dance freely. Now I just need to even out my runner's tan.

Becca...the model?

As I have previously mentioned, I had to have my hair fixed after the debacle at Master Cuts (where, incidentially, Patrick referred to me as a 12 year old boy - yeah...ouch!). Since having it fixed, however, I have had more compliments, whistles, and winks than I can ever remember.
Last night at work, several of the nurses said that I look like a model. Laughing it off at the time, I didn't really think about it again until this morning. It is amazing how just a simple haircut can change how people look at you...at how you look at yourself. You may do nothing more than stand up straighter, walk with your head held high and think that you are finally worth something and people really notice and respond to it...to you.
I have no aspirations of being a model, but it is nice to be likened to one. To see yourself as others see you. Beautiful and desirable.

Training begins...

Although yesterday was our first official day of training for our 5K, it didn't go as planned. My friend and I completely missed each other in an attempt to meet up at the gym. Rather than waiting longer than I was I went for a warm-up lap around the school and by the time I had returned to the parking lot, she had left. While I would have preferred working out with her, I at least started.
I discovered a sadistic side to my personality today however, when we got together to work out. She wanted to play in the pool...and knowing this, I told her we weren't going anywhere near it. Instead, we took a warm up lap around the school and then I told her to get on the stationary bike and ride for thirty minutes. When I saw her choosing the easiest settings I told her that she needed to make it the Hill sequence and at least at level 5-which personally I think is a little too easy, but... I thought she might throw something at me. But for thirty minutes we both pounded through up and downhill cycling. I was dripping sweat but I felt so good. At the end of this, my friend was tired and ready to go home. I made her walk another lap and then drug her into the gym to work on stretching and abdominal exercises. She really didn't want to do that either. But we did it, her bemoaning the fact that she was going to be sore the next day. I taught her some good ab exercises and made her do 50 crunches...when she didn't want to do any. After almost 2 hours at the gym I feel that we definitely had made a good start to our training. Tomorrow I will be alone, she has to work, but I will still push myself. I just kind-of wish I had her to push too.

Yes, I really am going to do this

I have decided to train for a 5K marathon in October. Originally, I wanted Patrick and I to do it together, but since he doesn't seem interested I have asked a friend if she would. We start training tomorrow. Truthfully, this started out as a means for Patrick and I to have something that we could do together. A goal to work towards, if you will. I haven't really run since soccer, but was willing to put in the effort. But, when he told me that he thought I was doing it just because he wanted to and didn't appear happy that I wanted to do something that would involve us spending some time together I almost gave up totally. Then, I decided to hell with that. I want to try. I want to have focus and a goal. I want to be fit and healthy. So, now I have 3 months to train for a 5K - just 3.1 miles. I'm really excited truth be told. I think it will be a challenge, but one that I am up for.

I'm also in the process of redecorating and reorganizing our room. I have removed a lot of crap, that doesn't belong in a bedroom. I've taken down a lot of pictures that are appropriate for a guest room...not a bedroom. I've also put up some photos of us which really gives the room a personal feeling. I finally feel comfortable sleeping in there...like it is actually mine. Although temporary, I am tired of feeling like I'm sleeping in a hotel room - that "never really unpacked" feeling. I think, when I'm done, it will look really great.

I ordered my dress for Gemma's wedding and I have to say, it looks amazing! I am really happy that I told Gemma I wasn't happy wearing someone else's wedding dress. It's very Grecian goddess and I will look lovely.

Spoke with Julie yesterday for about 2 hours on the phone. I miss her so much. Gemma too, but it is nice to have someone who knows both Patrick and I well enough to really listen to me about what I have been going through and feeling the last few weeks. She has demanded that I come out for a visit as soon as I can and that it would be good for me to get away. I have to agree. I am going to start looking at the calender to see if there is a time I can get away before school starts. She also firmly stated that CA has a high demand for nurses and that I should seriously consider moving out there once I have graduated. Which, I may actually look at as a possibility. She has offered up their guest bedroom as a place to stay until I was able to get a place of my own. We'll see. I still have a year to go before all is said and done.

Swimming is going very well and I'm looking forward to starting scuba diving lessons. I think it will be a great experience and another skill to add to my growing list.

I was telling a class mate about all the things I am planning and doing and she says, "And nursing school? When will you have time for that?". But finally, I feel fullfilled...like I am doing more than just watching and waiting for life to pass me by. I feel...good.