Patrick surprised me with an early 30th birthday gift, that couldn't have come at a better time. Rather than going to Corpus Christi Texas for spring break, he took me to Hawaii. We have been here since Saturday and have been having a wonderful, relaxing time. Patrick's best friend Josh and his girlfriend JoJo, joined us here. It has been interesting watching another couple interact. It makes me grateful for the relationship I have with Patrick.
It amazes me that even after almost 10 years, he can still do things that surprise me.
22.3.07
10.3.07
Funeral Parade
My dad died yesterday.
I got the call at 4 am and from there I spent the day in a blur. I had a test that I took although I couldn't really tell you much about the material that was on it. I left afterwards, not staying for class, and just wandered. I wandered through Target...not really having a specific need for being there. I wandered through the mall. At the time, it felt like I had a purpose, but in fact I don't really think I did. In the afternoon, I went down to Albuquerque and saw a movie and ate dinner. I was so tired by the time I got home that I don't remember falling asleep. I spent more time on the phone yesterday than I have ever in my life. I worried about my sisters. I talked with my dad's wife. I made arrangements to pick up my aunt. It was a day of things that I did. I didn't have to think about my father. I didn't have to think about a painful childhood or the joyful times, though few and far between. I just did what I needed to do, because that is what needed to be done.
Now, for the next week, I get to try to keep the funeral drama to a minimum and will hopefully be able to get through everything unscathed. I need to remember to tell Katie to keep my mother away from my dad's wife.
I got the call at 4 am and from there I spent the day in a blur. I had a test that I took although I couldn't really tell you much about the material that was on it. I left afterwards, not staying for class, and just wandered. I wandered through Target...not really having a specific need for being there. I wandered through the mall. At the time, it felt like I had a purpose, but in fact I don't really think I did. In the afternoon, I went down to Albuquerque and saw a movie and ate dinner. I was so tired by the time I got home that I don't remember falling asleep. I spent more time on the phone yesterday than I have ever in my life. I worried about my sisters. I talked with my dad's wife. I made arrangements to pick up my aunt. It was a day of things that I did. I didn't have to think about my father. I didn't have to think about a painful childhood or the joyful times, though few and far between. I just did what I needed to do, because that is what needed to be done.
Now, for the next week, I get to try to keep the funeral drama to a minimum and will hopefully be able to get through everything unscathed. I need to remember to tell Katie to keep my mother away from my dad's wife.
7.3.07
Approaching 30
With March comes the realization that I will soon be 30 years old. Truthfully, it isn't as hard to accept as I thought it should be. Like many of the "landmark" birthdays, I think this one will come and go without undo pomp and circumstance. Allowing me to continue the blissful refusal to age I started when I turned 25.
My father is dying. I went to see him last night and as I look down at this man who terrified me for so many years I found that I couldn't even tell him I loved him. I couldn't say those words to him. I didn't know what to say. Part of me wishes that I could have had the display of emotions my younger sisters had. Because in the end he is still my father. But I had to really work hard to have any feelings as I watched him. I tell Patrick that I have pity for him. Pity that he never thought we were important or valuable enough to be a father to us. But I wonder about that. I wonder if that is really the truth or if I am only saying it because I feel that I have to say I feel something. My sister describes me as being locked behind this brick wall that I will only poke my head over every once in a while to allow people to see me. Then I quickly duck back behind it. Maybe she is right. Perhaps I have cut myself off so effectively that I can't tell a dying man that on some level I do love him. As you can tell from reading this I need copious amounts of therapy. Interesting that it took my reaching 30 to realize that I really am not okay afterall.
My father is dying. I went to see him last night and as I look down at this man who terrified me for so many years I found that I couldn't even tell him I loved him. I couldn't say those words to him. I didn't know what to say. Part of me wishes that I could have had the display of emotions my younger sisters had. Because in the end he is still my father. But I had to really work hard to have any feelings as I watched him. I tell Patrick that I have pity for him. Pity that he never thought we were important or valuable enough to be a father to us. But I wonder about that. I wonder if that is really the truth or if I am only saying it because I feel that I have to say I feel something. My sister describes me as being locked behind this brick wall that I will only poke my head over every once in a while to allow people to see me. Then I quickly duck back behind it. Maybe she is right. Perhaps I have cut myself off so effectively that I can't tell a dying man that on some level I do love him. As you can tell from reading this I need copious amounts of therapy. Interesting that it took my reaching 30 to realize that I really am not okay afterall.
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