It's been incredibly interesting, going from being in a relationship of almost 10 years to being single in a city where everyone knows everyone elses business. Santa Fe isn't very big in general, but when the person you just broke up with is a native...well that becomes a unique situation in and of itself. I've had more people ask me how I'm doing, how Patrick is (if they don't know), ask my friends how I'm holding up...? People I don't even really know well have been giving me their condolences... and oh! isn't is such a shame that after so long our relationship ended...wtf?!? So, to clarify for anyone else who wants to read me the "poor, poor you" speech...
I am doing stupendously. Truly. I'm really doing well. I've signed a 9 month lease on an apartment that I LOVE! I've reconnected with my sisters and mom, which was something that was missing in my life. I've established relationships with people who are uplifting and fun. I've started planning for MY future, which is going to be incredible, the good and the bad. I've also started looking at men...really looking at them. Who they are and what they can offer. My sister told me a few months ago that there are two types of men in this world, those who are genuinely nice guys who try to be assholes every so often and those who are assholes who really try to be a nice guy when they can. I'm ready for a nice guy and I'm not willing to just blindly hop into a relationship with the first guy who shows interest.
So don't cry for me Santa Fe, the truth is, I'm free at last. Finally, I can be me again.
2.10.07
20.9.07
Happy Birthday...
My dad's birthday was yesterday-he would have been 57 years old. In many ways, it passed and I hardly noticed it. But each time I had to write the date, each time someone asked what the date was, I remembered. It is somewhat bittersweet. He was my father, half of who I am is who he was at the very basic, genetic level. But he was so far removed that I never really recognized him, never really felt like I had anything in common with him. I have to say that is incredibly sad to say of one's father.
I looked back through this blog to a year ago. It is amazing how much changes in such a short period of time. A year ago, my dad was alive, I was just starting nursing school, Patrick and I were together, I was also still looking for a job and trying to figure out how to make ends meet. They tell you the only guarantee in life is change. It's amazing when you can really qualify that.
I found out today that all my tests were negative. When the doctor told me, I started crying, I was so relieved. It wasn't until that moment that I could really admit that I had been terrified. I'm very lucky that I only came out of this emotionally banged and bruised and not physically.
Friends are the cement that holds the pieces of you together. Male or female, they are so important. For me, here lately, it is so good having male friends. I say that because they, unlike female friends, for the simple fact that they have a penis can cheer you up by just telling you that you are gorgeous or that they would clean up your vomit...or they actually do clean up your vomit. I value my female friends, but I treasure my male friends.
I have found a roommate. One of my classmates is looking for a place to live and as it is so much cheaper for two people to rent together than seperately this works out very nicely. So now, we are on the prowl for a place. There are plenty to choose from, we just have to have the chance to go and look at them. I think next week we will have more than ample time, which works out well because I want to be out of here no later than the first. My poor bed is sitting in the store, just waiting for me to come get it. I need to go buy some bamboo sheets for it. Oh so soft! My own bed. Amazing how that statement illicits such a feeling of joy and independence. I can't wait to sleep on it.
I looked back through this blog to a year ago. It is amazing how much changes in such a short period of time. A year ago, my dad was alive, I was just starting nursing school, Patrick and I were together, I was also still looking for a job and trying to figure out how to make ends meet. They tell you the only guarantee in life is change. It's amazing when you can really qualify that.
I found out today that all my tests were negative. When the doctor told me, I started crying, I was so relieved. It wasn't until that moment that I could really admit that I had been terrified. I'm very lucky that I only came out of this emotionally banged and bruised and not physically.
Friends are the cement that holds the pieces of you together. Male or female, they are so important. For me, here lately, it is so good having male friends. I say that because they, unlike female friends, for the simple fact that they have a penis can cheer you up by just telling you that you are gorgeous or that they would clean up your vomit...or they actually do clean up your vomit. I value my female friends, but I treasure my male friends.
I have found a roommate. One of my classmates is looking for a place to live and as it is so much cheaper for two people to rent together than seperately this works out very nicely. So now, we are on the prowl for a place. There are plenty to choose from, we just have to have the chance to go and look at them. I think next week we will have more than ample time, which works out well because I want to be out of here no later than the first. My poor bed is sitting in the store, just waiting for me to come get it. I need to go buy some bamboo sheets for it. Oh so soft! My own bed. Amazing how that statement illicits such a feeling of joy and independence. I can't wait to sleep on it.
17.9.07
What it really is all about...
I have learned several very valuable lessons over the course of a very short period of time. The first, and perhaps more important one is to never, ever, ever change who you are for anyone. And I do mean, anyone. I changed who I was in order to make my relationship work. I changed how I argue, fight, play...all because the man I was with didn't respond to how I engaged in those things. I would be looking for a fight, passion, excitement, energy...and he would shut down. Disengage. Go underground. So, I changed tactics and in doing so, changed who I am. I allowed myself to be less than I am because a man needed me to be. Granted, I loved (still do love) that man and felt that our future and life together was worth a little self sacrifice. But that little bit, turned into more and more until I was someone I didn't recognize anymore and was miserable.
My second, very valuable lesson, is to always trust your instincts. They are there for a reason and unless you are psychotic (which I am not), you should always at the very least, listen to them. I had a gut feeling that Patrick had been cheating on me, at least emotionally in the beginning, and then the sex I'm sure came later. Particularly during the time that I was in California. When you come back and there are condoms missing, the bed has freshly washed sheets and has been remade "perfectly" that should be a very big red flag. Even more so, when he lies to you and tells you that he just spontaneously took the week off while you were out of town...I would have to say that that is an even more obvious warning sign. But I doubted myself and trusted Patrick.
My third lesson is that no matter what, I'm amazing and there is nothing wrong with me. For years Patrick kept trying to save me, help me, fix me. I kept looking for what needed to be fixed, never really getting an answer from various therapists who figured that because I was abused I must be fucked up. But the truth of the matter is that I'm an incredibly resilient and highly functioning individual. I don't need to be fixed, I don't need to be helped. I'm a good person and a strong woman.
What it really is all about dear reader is that my relationship ended because I expected more from my partner than he was able to deliver. I believe that he loved me...in some ways I'm sure that he still does. But I expected honesty, respect, loyalty, and passion. That isn't to say there never were those things in our relationship, but the bits and pieces he had weren't enough. And in the end all I got from Patrick was disloyalty, dishonesty, manipulation and a severe lack of respect. It took seeing him and this other woman on a date just the other night for me to really awaken to the realization that not only did he lie to me and cheat on me, but that there was absolutely no hope for us as a couple. Until that moment, I believed that we would eventually be able to work through everything, that I could forgive and forget and we would be able to move past this. And therein lies the rub. I'm sure that eventually, I can forgive Patrick, but the problem is that now I'm aware that he isn't strong enough for me.
The final lesson that I have learned is to know what you want and never settle for less. I want passion, excitement, laughter, and quiet joy. One day I will find that, but until then I'm happy focusing on comingling the person I was with the woman I am.
My second, very valuable lesson, is to always trust your instincts. They are there for a reason and unless you are psychotic (which I am not), you should always at the very least, listen to them. I had a gut feeling that Patrick had been cheating on me, at least emotionally in the beginning, and then the sex I'm sure came later. Particularly during the time that I was in California. When you come back and there are condoms missing, the bed has freshly washed sheets and has been remade "perfectly" that should be a very big red flag. Even more so, when he lies to you and tells you that he just spontaneously took the week off while you were out of town...I would have to say that that is an even more obvious warning sign. But I doubted myself and trusted Patrick.
My third lesson is that no matter what, I'm amazing and there is nothing wrong with me. For years Patrick kept trying to save me, help me, fix me. I kept looking for what needed to be fixed, never really getting an answer from various therapists who figured that because I was abused I must be fucked up. But the truth of the matter is that I'm an incredibly resilient and highly functioning individual. I don't need to be fixed, I don't need to be helped. I'm a good person and a strong woman.
What it really is all about dear reader is that my relationship ended because I expected more from my partner than he was able to deliver. I believe that he loved me...in some ways I'm sure that he still does. But I expected honesty, respect, loyalty, and passion. That isn't to say there never were those things in our relationship, but the bits and pieces he had weren't enough. And in the end all I got from Patrick was disloyalty, dishonesty, manipulation and a severe lack of respect. It took seeing him and this other woman on a date just the other night for me to really awaken to the realization that not only did he lie to me and cheat on me, but that there was absolutely no hope for us as a couple. Until that moment, I believed that we would eventually be able to work through everything, that I could forgive and forget and we would be able to move past this. And therein lies the rub. I'm sure that eventually, I can forgive Patrick, but the problem is that now I'm aware that he isn't strong enough for me.
The final lesson that I have learned is to know what you want and never settle for less. I want passion, excitement, laughter, and quiet joy. One day I will find that, but until then I'm happy focusing on comingling the person I was with the woman I am.
13.9.07
Movin Out
I decided that I need to move out, I really thought that I could make it the next four months living here, under the same roof as Patrick. Feeling the way I do and trying to live under the same roof without passion, desire, playfulness, and joy are wearing me down, to the point where hurt and sadness are being replaced by bitterness and anger. I don't want to hate Patrick...I don't want to resent him. But if I stay here...I will.
So, I'm looking around Santa Fe, hoping that there will be something within my budget. I've looked at Albuquerque as well, but as many people have pointed out, I have a great support system here, I have a job here and the gas alone commuting would probably equal what I would pay in rent here. I've given myself a deadline of the first, and have really been trying to find something that will work. Part of me is really excited about the prospect of my own home. But, part of me is sad too-it is hard when things don't turn out as you were expecting. Everyone has offered to help me move, which is really great because with just ZoomZoom, it would take a lot of trips. Hillary even offered the use of the Suburban, which would be nice to move stuff from Albuquerque, but unfortunately it takes $100.00 to fill the tank... Maybe I can borrow Patrick's truck...or the little green truck.
I am excited about the new bed I bought. Gemma and I went to Denver Mattress and they were having a floor model clearance. I got a queen size pillow top mattress, box spring, and frame for $600.00. It is a floor model but the great thing about this model is that it has been covered the entire time it has been on the floor! They decorated it with sheets and pillows and for some reason that causes customers to stay away from it, so hardly anyone has lain on it. This is the first bed I've bought for myself. I bought Patrick's futon, he bought my futon... So I've never had to buy my own bed until now. It is so comfortable! I'm really looking forward to sleeping on it.
The last two weeks I wasn't really able to work out or train for the 5K. Between psych, clinicals in Las Vegas, work, and Gemma's visit, there really hasn't been any time. Today, I got back into the gym and it felt soooo terrific! I biked for 4 miles, ran a mile straight (no walking), and then caused Emma a great deal of grief by making her do some serious abdominal exercises. Then we went out to the tennis courts with Nic and Max, where they proceded to "teach" us how to play the game. Personally, I suck at it. It is just not the sport for me. Although Nic kept trying to give me tips and pointers, it didn't really help. I just have no talent for tennis. But it was fun running up and down the court chasing the tennis balls. Tomorrow I think we are going to swim. At least I am going to swim. I miss being in the water.
I signed up for the basic EKG class taking place in October. After taking that I can take the 12 lead class and I'm also planning on taking the ACLS class they offer in November. I figure, I may as well take it and get certified because I will either be in emergency or critical care, no med/surg for me! In fact, I'm considering my preceptorship already! It takes place the last 4 weeks of the fourth semester and the school will try to pair you up with a nurse, but I think I have two people in mind. One is a nurse who Lois met at the trauma conference, the other is the nurse who took care of my aunt while she was in CCU. I would love to precept with Lois, as I think she is one of the most incredible nurses I have ever met, but I don't really have an interest in the OR and as one of my classmates is very interested in working with her, I would rather they have that opportunity. I have her in my life and she has been an amazing teacher every day that I have known her.
So, I'm looking around Santa Fe, hoping that there will be something within my budget. I've looked at Albuquerque as well, but as many people have pointed out, I have a great support system here, I have a job here and the gas alone commuting would probably equal what I would pay in rent here. I've given myself a deadline of the first, and have really been trying to find something that will work. Part of me is really excited about the prospect of my own home. But, part of me is sad too-it is hard when things don't turn out as you were expecting. Everyone has offered to help me move, which is really great because with just ZoomZoom, it would take a lot of trips. Hillary even offered the use of the Suburban, which would be nice to move stuff from Albuquerque, but unfortunately it takes $100.00 to fill the tank... Maybe I can borrow Patrick's truck...or the little green truck.
I am excited about the new bed I bought. Gemma and I went to Denver Mattress and they were having a floor model clearance. I got a queen size pillow top mattress, box spring, and frame for $600.00. It is a floor model but the great thing about this model is that it has been covered the entire time it has been on the floor! They decorated it with sheets and pillows and for some reason that causes customers to stay away from it, so hardly anyone has lain on it. This is the first bed I've bought for myself. I bought Patrick's futon, he bought my futon... So I've never had to buy my own bed until now. It is so comfortable! I'm really looking forward to sleeping on it.
The last two weeks I wasn't really able to work out or train for the 5K. Between psych, clinicals in Las Vegas, work, and Gemma's visit, there really hasn't been any time. Today, I got back into the gym and it felt soooo terrific! I biked for 4 miles, ran a mile straight (no walking), and then caused Emma a great deal of grief by making her do some serious abdominal exercises. Then we went out to the tennis courts with Nic and Max, where they proceded to "teach" us how to play the game. Personally, I suck at it. It is just not the sport for me. Although Nic kept trying to give me tips and pointers, it didn't really help. I just have no talent for tennis. But it was fun running up and down the court chasing the tennis balls. Tomorrow I think we are going to swim. At least I am going to swim. I miss being in the water.
I signed up for the basic EKG class taking place in October. After taking that I can take the 12 lead class and I'm also planning on taking the ACLS class they offer in November. I figure, I may as well take it and get certified because I will either be in emergency or critical care, no med/surg for me! In fact, I'm considering my preceptorship already! It takes place the last 4 weeks of the fourth semester and the school will try to pair you up with a nurse, but I think I have two people in mind. One is a nurse who Lois met at the trauma conference, the other is the nurse who took care of my aunt while she was in CCU. I would love to precept with Lois, as I think she is one of the most incredible nurses I have ever met, but I don't really have an interest in the OR and as one of my classmates is very interested in working with her, I would rather they have that opportunity. I have her in my life and she has been an amazing teacher every day that I have known her.
9.9.07
Grateful for best friends...
I am incredibly lucky. They say that if you have more than one true friend in your life, you are truly blessed. I happen to have two, incredible friends in my life. Two women who have been there for me through just about everything. I also have six very good friends who have supported me and been there for me through one of the worst times of my life.
Last week, I felt so...alone. Which is strange because I am constantly surrounded by really wonderful people, whom I know care about me. But none-the-less, I felt alone and lost. So I emailed Gemma and although I knew she had other, more pressing things to take care of before starting her career on the 10th, I asked her to please come out here for a quick visit-that at that moment, I really needed my best friend. For those who know me...you will understand that this is completely out of character for me and perhaps that will give you an idea as to how desperate I truly was. Her response was to send me her flight itinerary. She didn't ask what I needed, what was happening, or why I needed her at that particular moment. She just came.
She arrived Wednesday and left today. It was so wonderful to have her here, to just have someone around who has known me, really known me, for so many years that I don't have to really explain why I feel the way I do. To have her look at me and say, "we are going to get through this" meant so much to me.
Patrick liked to tell me that I needed to make friends. I have amazing friends. I have incredible people surrounding me every day, who care for me and support me...who love me. And at a time in my life, when I need them most, they are there.
Last week, I felt so...alone. Which is strange because I am constantly surrounded by really wonderful people, whom I know care about me. But none-the-less, I felt alone and lost. So I emailed Gemma and although I knew she had other, more pressing things to take care of before starting her career on the 10th, I asked her to please come out here for a quick visit-that at that moment, I really needed my best friend. For those who know me...you will understand that this is completely out of character for me and perhaps that will give you an idea as to how desperate I truly was. Her response was to send me her flight itinerary. She didn't ask what I needed, what was happening, or why I needed her at that particular moment. She just came.
She arrived Wednesday and left today. It was so wonderful to have her here, to just have someone around who has known me, really known me, for so many years that I don't have to really explain why I feel the way I do. To have her look at me and say, "we are going to get through this" meant so much to me.
Patrick liked to tell me that I needed to make friends. I have amazing friends. I have incredible people surrounding me every day, who care for me and support me...who love me. And at a time in my life, when I need them most, they are there.
25.8.07
Time Out...
When I look back over the last 6 months, I realize that in life there are times when you need to be broken down to your lowest possible point, in order to be built back up. After three people dying, I now know that it was only through the things happening with Patrick and I that I could truly be brought to my lowest point. Where hopelessness and pain are daily companions and there are times that you don't really want to get out of bed because the idea of facing another day watching the last bits of your heart be ripped out is just unbearable. Knowing that Patrick was hiding things from me, lying to me, and being secretive were all contributing to this and were making me miserable. Watching him pull away physically and emotionally caused me to crawl inside what few defenses I had left and just try to breathe through the pain.
That pain finally came out on Wednesday. I was so angry. Angry at Patrick because the one person I had allowed in and had given my heart to, had betrayed me. I cried and cried so hard it was hard to breathe. Emma tried to soothe me but I hurt so much and was so angry that she couldn't. Patrick walked in then and when he tried to find out what was wrong I told him to leave me alone. I was so afraid that if I looked at him I would just loose it. At first he didn't leave and I kept telling him to leave me alone please, please leave me alone. He left and Lois came in to talk with me. Lois said that she has noticed that the majority of couples have a hard time at the 10 year mark. That night Patrick slept upstairs.
He slept upstairs the following night too. Yesterday one of his classmates asked if Patrick and I had broken up. To which I said no and asked where he had heard that. He said that he had heard it at the hospital but couldn't remember who exactly had said it. I asked Patrick about it and as we stood there outside the school, I watched this man whom I had loved for almost 10 years look at me with such anger and even disgust I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't stand to see him look at me that way. I asked him if he knew how angry I am at him. How absolutely livid I have been. Then I listed off his lying, being secretive, and deceptive. This isn't who we were...we were honest with eachother. We loved eachother. I asked him if he wanted to be with me. He didn't say yes or no, he just said that it has been so hard for him. With my family and the issues I haven't dealt with. He feels like he has carried me and now with graduation and "growing up" he doesn't feel like he can do it anymore. It doesn't help that we live with his mother and have no space of our own. I don't feel that Patrick has carried me. He has been supportive and caring, but he hasn't fought my battles for me. Unfortunately in every relationship you have to deal with the other person's family. That is what you get for loving someone. You work through it. It isn't fun, it isn't fair but it is what you do.
He said that we are compatable on so many levels, but that over the last two years we have changed and he doesn't know if with those changes we can work anymore. Two years, that we haven't had our own anything, that we have lived in a shoebox, that we have tried to make the best of the situation until we could have our own space, our things, our home. He said that he will always love me, and that I will always be his oldest and dearest friend, his best friend. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he didn't know and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted him to be happy and he said that he couldn't be happy knowing I was so sad. I am going to start therapy on Monday and hopefully get some things sorted out. But in dealing with us...I asked him if he wanted to keep trying. By trying I meant that he would move upstairs to his old bedroom and we would take it a day at a time. A break, or a time out for us. To truly give each of us the physical space and time we need and maybe, in doing that, allow us both to heal and maybe have a future together. He said he thought that was a good idea.
So now, Patrick sleeps upstairs and I stay down here in our bedroom. I admit, it is lonely and scary but right now, it is what each of us needs. A time out...and hopefully we will find eachother again.
That pain finally came out on Wednesday. I was so angry. Angry at Patrick because the one person I had allowed in and had given my heart to, had betrayed me. I cried and cried so hard it was hard to breathe. Emma tried to soothe me but I hurt so much and was so angry that she couldn't. Patrick walked in then and when he tried to find out what was wrong I told him to leave me alone. I was so afraid that if I looked at him I would just loose it. At first he didn't leave and I kept telling him to leave me alone please, please leave me alone. He left and Lois came in to talk with me. Lois said that she has noticed that the majority of couples have a hard time at the 10 year mark. That night Patrick slept upstairs.
He slept upstairs the following night too. Yesterday one of his classmates asked if Patrick and I had broken up. To which I said no and asked where he had heard that. He said that he had heard it at the hospital but couldn't remember who exactly had said it. I asked Patrick about it and as we stood there outside the school, I watched this man whom I had loved for almost 10 years look at me with such anger and even disgust I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't stand to see him look at me that way. I asked him if he knew how angry I am at him. How absolutely livid I have been. Then I listed off his lying, being secretive, and deceptive. This isn't who we were...we were honest with eachother. We loved eachother. I asked him if he wanted to be with me. He didn't say yes or no, he just said that it has been so hard for him. With my family and the issues I haven't dealt with. He feels like he has carried me and now with graduation and "growing up" he doesn't feel like he can do it anymore. It doesn't help that we live with his mother and have no space of our own. I don't feel that Patrick has carried me. He has been supportive and caring, but he hasn't fought my battles for me. Unfortunately in every relationship you have to deal with the other person's family. That is what you get for loving someone. You work through it. It isn't fun, it isn't fair but it is what you do.
He said that we are compatable on so many levels, but that over the last two years we have changed and he doesn't know if with those changes we can work anymore. Two years, that we haven't had our own anything, that we have lived in a shoebox, that we have tried to make the best of the situation until we could have our own space, our things, our home. He said that he will always love me, and that I will always be his oldest and dearest friend, his best friend. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he didn't know and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted him to be happy and he said that he couldn't be happy knowing I was so sad. I am going to start therapy on Monday and hopefully get some things sorted out. But in dealing with us...I asked him if he wanted to keep trying. By trying I meant that he would move upstairs to his old bedroom and we would take it a day at a time. A break, or a time out for us. To truly give each of us the physical space and time we need and maybe, in doing that, allow us both to heal and maybe have a future together. He said he thought that was a good idea.
So now, Patrick sleeps upstairs and I stay down here in our bedroom. I admit, it is lonely and scary but right now, it is what each of us needs. A time out...and hopefully we will find eachother again.
19.8.07
Indian Market
The last couple of days Josh and JoJo have been in town for Indian Market and it has been so good to see them. Friday I was able to hang out with JoJo and another artist Amy, while shopping downtown. It was insane trying to find parking downtown! It took me 45 minutes to find a spot. It wasn't too far from where we were shopping, but it wasn't the most convenient place either. Tonight we went to the gallery showing for Josh and Amy and then went to dinner at El Farol. Dinner was really good and the conversation was even better. It was a lot of fun-but I had a little more to drink than I should have. Tomorrow Josh, JoJo and Amy are coming over for breakfast before they have to be at the gallery. We aren't sure how much more time we will have to see them before they have to leave as this is such a busy time for them. We don't want to monopolize what free time they have, but it is so nice to see them.
Josh's new work includes three large bears that are called "The Conspirators". So far only two of the three are in clay molding, the third still needs to be started. But the sketches that Josh had available were really terrific. It looks like each is displaying various characteristics such as intelligence or pondering lifes mysteries, laughing, and curiosity. The three bears would look wonderful around a pond, or as Patrick pointed out, on the roof acting as gargoyles. Yes, gargoyles on the roof would be interesting. Since Herbie died, there hasn't been a constant presence to keep the elephants away. Maybe these bears would do the job...
The crack is going well. I found out that the pushy guide who had been helping me was Patrick. Go figure. I am finally starting to get the hang of this game and am actually enjoying it. Just in time to start school. Again...go figure.
I have done no preparation for school. Okay, so I have looked over the math a little, but nothing extraordinary. I read the articles for psych, but didn't really retain the material. I haven't assembled my notebooks yet. I am just a slight elevation above slacker right now. But, truthfully, I'm not really worried. Math isn't a problem for me, at least not anymore. The articles we will be discussing in class so the material will be refreshed. And my notebooks...eh. For the most part, I have enjoyed my summer vacation and as such I intend to enjoy this last day of it as well.
My little sister put a quote on her myspace page that I found interesting. "A wise woman kisses, but does not love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." Now I wonder, is that a wise woman or a cold one? Is there any real distinction between the two? Do we live in such a cynical society that a woman must guard her heart so thoroughly in order to avoid the pain of heartbreak? I have known love's joy and pain. Would I want to subject myself to that again? Absolutely. Because even with all the pain, and there can be copious amounts of it, there is still the joy that you experience. The way you light up when he walks in the room. The way he looks at you when he doesn't think you notice. The warmth of his hand taking yours. Watching him smile at you as he wakes up in the morning. Perhaps I will come to learn otherwise in the future, but I don't think I am ready to be a "wise woman".
Josh's new work includes three large bears that are called "The Conspirators". So far only two of the three are in clay molding, the third still needs to be started. But the sketches that Josh had available were really terrific. It looks like each is displaying various characteristics such as intelligence or pondering lifes mysteries, laughing, and curiosity. The three bears would look wonderful around a pond, or as Patrick pointed out, on the roof acting as gargoyles. Yes, gargoyles on the roof would be interesting. Since Herbie died, there hasn't been a constant presence to keep the elephants away. Maybe these bears would do the job...
The crack is going well. I found out that the pushy guide who had been helping me was Patrick. Go figure. I am finally starting to get the hang of this game and am actually enjoying it. Just in time to start school. Again...go figure.
I have done no preparation for school. Okay, so I have looked over the math a little, but nothing extraordinary. I read the articles for psych, but didn't really retain the material. I haven't assembled my notebooks yet. I am just a slight elevation above slacker right now. But, truthfully, I'm not really worried. Math isn't a problem for me, at least not anymore. The articles we will be discussing in class so the material will be refreshed. And my notebooks...eh. For the most part, I have enjoyed my summer vacation and as such I intend to enjoy this last day of it as well.
My little sister put a quote on her myspace page that I found interesting. "A wise woman kisses, but does not love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." Now I wonder, is that a wise woman or a cold one? Is there any real distinction between the two? Do we live in such a cynical society that a woman must guard her heart so thoroughly in order to avoid the pain of heartbreak? I have known love's joy and pain. Would I want to subject myself to that again? Absolutely. Because even with all the pain, and there can be copious amounts of it, there is still the joy that you experience. The way you light up when he walks in the room. The way he looks at you when he doesn't think you notice. The warmth of his hand taking yours. Watching him smile at you as he wakes up in the morning. Perhaps I will come to learn otherwise in the future, but I don't think I am ready to be a "wise woman".
16.8.07
The last few days of freedom
School starts Monday. Part of me is really looking forward to it, while the other parts are almost dreading it. I really just want to get done with school and move forward in this profession. It is just the process of doing so that feels like it is taking forever.
Last night at work there was a code blue on the floor. A man had been given dilaudid and a few minutes later when the nurse went to check on him, he was in respiratory and cardiac arrest. I called the code and went in to help clear the room, while the nurses assembled the Ambu bag and gathered things from the crash cart. After we had cleared the room I asked if there was a pulse or respirations, and was told no. As the nurses got the Ambu bag on the patient I started compressions. The code team arrived and we were quickly replaced as they worked to get a pulse and to get him breathing. The whole situation took maybe 15 minutes from the time he was found to the time he was transported to CCU on a vent, and was fairly surreal. The general consensus was that he wouldn't last too much longer. He was probably septic, and had multi-organ failure. I think it is more a question not of if, but when.
Emma's and my workouts have changed slightly. Patrick has started working with Emma on a regular basis, which she finds painful but I think it has been good for her to see another perspective on training. She has affectionately dubbed us Satan and Satan Jr. Although when saying it, there isn't too much affection that goes into it. She tells me that although Patrick and I are slightly different in our approaches to working with her, we are both really good at being patient and pushing her when we know she has it in her but backing down when we know she needs it. I think Patrick is looking for affirmation that his work outs are better than mine, but since he never worked out with Emma and I before, he really doesn't have anything but Emma's response to gauge that by. Emma, thinks both of us are equally intense and pushy.
I have found...crack. Computer game crack that is. Patrick introduced me to WOW (World of Warcraft) and I am really enjoying it. There has been this character who has been helping me out along the way. He's been really helpful but is pretty pushy and at times kind of a sarcastic ass. While I appreciate his help some of his comments are really annoying and even condescending. Especially considering that I have never played this before and have no real experience in exploring games like this. At least not in recent history. I may just tell him to leave me alone if he keeps it up...I may die a lot more, but at least I won't have to put up with his attitude.
Speaking of...time to get my crack on.
Last night at work there was a code blue on the floor. A man had been given dilaudid and a few minutes later when the nurse went to check on him, he was in respiratory and cardiac arrest. I called the code and went in to help clear the room, while the nurses assembled the Ambu bag and gathered things from the crash cart. After we had cleared the room I asked if there was a pulse or respirations, and was told no. As the nurses got the Ambu bag on the patient I started compressions. The code team arrived and we were quickly replaced as they worked to get a pulse and to get him breathing. The whole situation took maybe 15 minutes from the time he was found to the time he was transported to CCU on a vent, and was fairly surreal. The general consensus was that he wouldn't last too much longer. He was probably septic, and had multi-organ failure. I think it is more a question not of if, but when.
Emma's and my workouts have changed slightly. Patrick has started working with Emma on a regular basis, which she finds painful but I think it has been good for her to see another perspective on training. She has affectionately dubbed us Satan and Satan Jr. Although when saying it, there isn't too much affection that goes into it. She tells me that although Patrick and I are slightly different in our approaches to working with her, we are both really good at being patient and pushing her when we know she has it in her but backing down when we know she needs it. I think Patrick is looking for affirmation that his work outs are better than mine, but since he never worked out with Emma and I before, he really doesn't have anything but Emma's response to gauge that by. Emma, thinks both of us are equally intense and pushy.
I have found...crack. Computer game crack that is. Patrick introduced me to WOW (World of Warcraft) and I am really enjoying it. There has been this character who has been helping me out along the way. He's been really helpful but is pretty pushy and at times kind of a sarcastic ass. While I appreciate his help some of his comments are really annoying and even condescending. Especially considering that I have never played this before and have no real experience in exploring games like this. At least not in recent history. I may just tell him to leave me alone if he keeps it up...I may die a lot more, but at least I won't have to put up with his attitude.
Speaking of...time to get my crack on.
12.8.07
Gemma & Josh's Wedding
The wedding was really great. Gemma looked amazing. The gown she had made was a mandarin style, a soft (not garish) red that had butterflies all over the material and then on her back she had pinned 15 golden butterfly pins that fluttered when she moved. She looked soft and elegant, with just a touch of vulnerability.
Actually, everyone looked wonderful. Patrick told me I looked nice. Not exactly what I was going for, but... During the ceremony it was so incredibly hot and humid that sweat was dripping down my legs in streams. It was SO gross. I kept hoping for a breeze that never really came. But at least we weren't in the direct sun too much. The ceremony itself was very nice. I really liked the stories that each member of the bridal party told. I can say that Will's speech was the best. As it was his birthday he summed up with Gemma and Josh being they type to share every thing they have with their friends, including their wedding day. It was really terrific and he was the only one to receive applause from the crowd. Mine...well, I started off blubbering once I looked up at Gemma and Josh. It was down hill from there. I'm not sure what it was, exactly, that I said. I do remember I got a couple of laughs (thank god!). It happened so fast that I didn't really have time to think much about what I was saying once I was up there-I guess it wasn't too bad though because I had several people come up to me after the ceremony to tell me how moving and touching they thought what I said was. One lady, whom I had never met before, told me I moved her to tears. It was one big crying jag. Once I had finished and went to stand back over by Will and Pete, I turned to Will and asked him if I looked like a racoon (due to my sweating and inability to stop crying). Will looked at me and said simply, "Becca, you look absolutely gorgeous". It was so nice to hear that.
The reception went well and was a lot of fun. We laughed and danced (to some not so great music...I mean the DJ only had the country version of the Time Warp!!! The country version?!!? What kind of crap is that?). I got to see Monu, Daniel, and Mr. O'Mera as well as Mr. Tindal who insisted that I come out to NC and "do some theatre". I told him I would see if that couldn't be arranged. I even got Patrick to dance with me twice. I wish we had been able to get more pictures but I'm hoping that Gemma will post some on a website where we can purchase them if we like. I was sad that I didn't have the chance to say good-bye to Gemma before they left as we are leaving early in the morning and won't see them before hand. But that is the great thing about best friends, sometimes you don't have to say good bye.
Actually, everyone looked wonderful. Patrick told me I looked nice. Not exactly what I was going for, but... During the ceremony it was so incredibly hot and humid that sweat was dripping down my legs in streams. It was SO gross. I kept hoping for a breeze that never really came. But at least we weren't in the direct sun too much. The ceremony itself was very nice. I really liked the stories that each member of the bridal party told. I can say that Will's speech was the best. As it was his birthday he summed up with Gemma and Josh being they type to share every thing they have with their friends, including their wedding day. It was really terrific and he was the only one to receive applause from the crowd. Mine...well, I started off blubbering once I looked up at Gemma and Josh. It was down hill from there. I'm not sure what it was, exactly, that I said. I do remember I got a couple of laughs (thank god!). It happened so fast that I didn't really have time to think much about what I was saying once I was up there-I guess it wasn't too bad though because I had several people come up to me after the ceremony to tell me how moving and touching they thought what I said was. One lady, whom I had never met before, told me I moved her to tears. It was one big crying jag. Once I had finished and went to stand back over by Will and Pete, I turned to Will and asked him if I looked like a racoon (due to my sweating and inability to stop crying). Will looked at me and said simply, "Becca, you look absolutely gorgeous". It was so nice to hear that.
The reception went well and was a lot of fun. We laughed and danced (to some not so great music...I mean the DJ only had the country version of the Time Warp!!! The country version?!!? What kind of crap is that?). I got to see Monu, Daniel, and Mr. O'Mera as well as Mr. Tindal who insisted that I come out to NC and "do some theatre". I told him I would see if that couldn't be arranged. I even got Patrick to dance with me twice. I wish we had been able to get more pictures but I'm hoping that Gemma will post some on a website where we can purchase them if we like. I was sad that I didn't have the chance to say good-bye to Gemma before they left as we are leaving early in the morning and won't see them before hand. But that is the great thing about best friends, sometimes you don't have to say good bye.
Bachelorette Party
Last night was Gemma's bachelorette party. Josh went with a group of guys, including Patrick, to Charlotte to a place called Dave & Busters - which is like a Chuck E Cheese for adults. For the ladies, ten of us went out for the evening, first stopping by Starbucks for sustanence (aka caffeine). We started out the evening at a comedy club in Greensboro, which was fun. The MC and opener were better than the headliner. Gemma, because she was the bachelorette, was brought onstage and given a blowjob shot. Which she did very well, no hands! After the comedy club we went to a friend's house where we had drinks and played "bachelorette games" - similar to reindeer games although more risquee. I ended up coming home with a penis straw... Our final event of the evening was to go to a line-dancing club where we danced and watched Karen ride a mechanical bull. We got back to Gemma and Josh's house around 230 and the guys got there at about 3. We were so exhausted that Patrick and I slept in until 1 pm today. Personally, I thought it was only around 9 am but with the heavy drapes pulled and the room being nice and cold it is easy to see why we slept so long.
The rehersal today went well, better than expected actually, and when we were done we all went to Golden Corral for the rehersal dinner. While the food wasn't great, the company and conversation was. I got to really talk with Will and Kristine and then Pete decided we were cool enough to come hang out with. For bridal party gifts, the guys received Nerf guns...not just any Nerf guns, but Super Nerf guns. Patrick appeared very impressed by this gift and truthfully, it was perfect for the group that was Josh's groomsmen. For the bridesmaids, we received a pearl necklace and matching stud earings from the Phillipines. They are absolutely gorgeous. Mine is a little tight (they are made for tiny little Filipino necks), but I figure with time it will loosen as I lose more weight.
After the rehersal dinner, Patrick and I went to see Stardust, a new fantastic movie that is very much in keeping with The Princess Bride tale. Very magical and entertaining. I absolutely loved it. Tomorrow is the wedding and I'm still trying to decide what to say for my "speech". Unfortunately, I don't have too much to say regarding Josh as I haven't been around for the majority of their relationship. It was suggested that I mention that Gemma is like herpes in that I just can't seem to get rid of her and that through all of high school she was tenacious enough to stick by me, even when I just wanted to be left alone. I figured that if I couldn't mention the slut story, herpes were definately out of the question.
The rehersal today went well, better than expected actually, and when we were done we all went to Golden Corral for the rehersal dinner. While the food wasn't great, the company and conversation was. I got to really talk with Will and Kristine and then Pete decided we were cool enough to come hang out with. For bridal party gifts, the guys received Nerf guns...not just any Nerf guns, but Super Nerf guns. Patrick appeared very impressed by this gift and truthfully, it was perfect for the group that was Josh's groomsmen. For the bridesmaids, we received a pearl necklace and matching stud earings from the Phillipines. They are absolutely gorgeous. Mine is a little tight (they are made for tiny little Filipino necks), but I figure with time it will loosen as I lose more weight.
After the rehersal dinner, Patrick and I went to see Stardust, a new fantastic movie that is very much in keeping with The Princess Bride tale. Very magical and entertaining. I absolutely loved it. Tomorrow is the wedding and I'm still trying to decide what to say for my "speech". Unfortunately, I don't have too much to say regarding Josh as I haven't been around for the majority of their relationship. It was suggested that I mention that Gemma is like herpes in that I just can't seem to get rid of her and that through all of high school she was tenacious enough to stick by me, even when I just wanted to be left alone. I figured that if I couldn't mention the slut story, herpes were definately out of the question.
10.8.07
Winston Salem
We arrived yesterday in Raleigh-Durham and were immediately hit by a wall of heat and humidity. Of course we would arrive at the beginning of a heat wave on the eastern seaboard. But fortunately, we were able to navigate through the airport, get our rental car (assisted by a "wonderful" man named Mohammed) and after a delicious dinner at Cheesecake Factory, made our way to Winston Salem.
Our hotel is nice and in a convenient area, close to the highway. Today we had planned on going to Tanglewood, but with this heat and humidity, we actually stayed in the hotel as long as possible. Air conditioning is a must here and we have tried to take full advantage of it.
Tonight we went to Gemma and Josh's for an informal dinner where we met quite a few of their Wake friends. The rest we get to meet tomorrow at Kristine's pool party. It was good to see Kate, Will and Pete - as they are the only ones I really knew. Dinner was good and everyone was really nice. It was interesting being in the same room with so many lawyers after spending so much time with nurses/nursing students. Very different conversations, yet many of the same underlying concepts. Politics, academics, or job related issues or stories. After hearing some of the stories being passed around tonight, I know for certain that I made the right choice in not going to law school. I don't think it would suit me. I'm sure I would be brilliant at it, but I don't think I have the patience for it. I'm glad that the choice I made, to go into nursing, seems to be the right one for me. I'm hoping that over the course of the next year I will find my niche within the field, and from there be able to make some decisions about graduate programs.
Tomorrow we go to see Body Worlds before the party at Kristine's. While we are here to see my friends and celebrate their wedding, I wanted to make sure that Patrick and I do some things together-just us, so that this would be enjoyable for him as well. Since Tanglewood and Biltmore didn't work out I'm glad that we have Body Worlds available. I think we'll have a busy, but good day tomorrow.
Our hotel is nice and in a convenient area, close to the highway. Today we had planned on going to Tanglewood, but with this heat and humidity, we actually stayed in the hotel as long as possible. Air conditioning is a must here and we have tried to take full advantage of it.
Tonight we went to Gemma and Josh's for an informal dinner where we met quite a few of their Wake friends. The rest we get to meet tomorrow at Kristine's pool party. It was good to see Kate, Will and Pete - as they are the only ones I really knew. Dinner was good and everyone was really nice. It was interesting being in the same room with so many lawyers after spending so much time with nurses/nursing students. Very different conversations, yet many of the same underlying concepts. Politics, academics, or job related issues or stories. After hearing some of the stories being passed around tonight, I know for certain that I made the right choice in not going to law school. I don't think it would suit me. I'm sure I would be brilliant at it, but I don't think I have the patience for it. I'm glad that the choice I made, to go into nursing, seems to be the right one for me. I'm hoping that over the course of the next year I will find my niche within the field, and from there be able to make some decisions about graduate programs.
Tomorrow we go to see Body Worlds before the party at Kristine's. While we are here to see my friends and celebrate their wedding, I wanted to make sure that Patrick and I do some things together-just us, so that this would be enjoyable for him as well. Since Tanglewood and Biltmore didn't work out I'm glad that we have Body Worlds available. I think we'll have a busy, but good day tomorrow.
6.8.07
Working through...
Had an appointment with a counselor this morning. She thinks that couples counseling, an objective third party, would be the best move for us at this point. Until the issues we have are resolved or we have at least started working on them I'm not going to be able to focus on my own. I liked this woman, and think she will be able to help us.
PTSD is a strange thing. It seems to creep up on you and jump up and down on your brain rather than becoming something that you just learn to live with on a daily basis. You go along, thinking you are doing pretty well. Then some type of major stress occurs and all of a sudden you are falling apart. While you might normally be an eloquent, intelligent individual, when you are placed in these types of situations your communication skills fly out the window. Everything feels like it is caving in on you and you are struggling just to breathe. When more stress is introduced, you start to shut down or go into panic mode-which takes an incredible amount of energy.
Today I went to work out at the gym after my morning appointment. I went downstairs after a pretty rigorous work out and started working on the punching bag. I kept punching and punching, so hard that my knuckles were bright red and just about to split. I realized that I had started crying and with that realization I became so incredibly angry. Raging angry. To the point where I stopped punching the bag and started hitting it. Hard. Over and over, yelling and hitting until I couldn't anymore. Exhausted, I sat on the mat for a few minutes, letting it wash over me and then it was gone. As quickly as it came, it left and I felt clear headed, focused and...calm.
With this clarity I was able to really evaluate a few things in my life. I ran into someone today who upon looking at them more clearly, I realized that there is nothing in the world that would cause me to want to change places with them. Nothing. I also realized that I have a lot more courage and am a lot braver than I have ever given myself credit for. I think these things will help me through the next couple of months.
Wednesday, we leave for Gemma and Josh's wedding. Patrick has effectively taken up almost the entire suitcase so now he gets to carry the gift on the plane with him. I'm looking forward to this wedding. To reconnecting with people who meant so much to me. I'm also looking forward to meeting other people who have special meaning in Gemma's life. But most of all, I'm looking forward to having fun. Laughing and joking and having a good time.
PTSD is a strange thing. It seems to creep up on you and jump up and down on your brain rather than becoming something that you just learn to live with on a daily basis. You go along, thinking you are doing pretty well. Then some type of major stress occurs and all of a sudden you are falling apart. While you might normally be an eloquent, intelligent individual, when you are placed in these types of situations your communication skills fly out the window. Everything feels like it is caving in on you and you are struggling just to breathe. When more stress is introduced, you start to shut down or go into panic mode-which takes an incredible amount of energy.
Today I went to work out at the gym after my morning appointment. I went downstairs after a pretty rigorous work out and started working on the punching bag. I kept punching and punching, so hard that my knuckles were bright red and just about to split. I realized that I had started crying and with that realization I became so incredibly angry. Raging angry. To the point where I stopped punching the bag and started hitting it. Hard. Over and over, yelling and hitting until I couldn't anymore. Exhausted, I sat on the mat for a few minutes, letting it wash over me and then it was gone. As quickly as it came, it left and I felt clear headed, focused and...calm.
With this clarity I was able to really evaluate a few things in my life. I ran into someone today who upon looking at them more clearly, I realized that there is nothing in the world that would cause me to want to change places with them. Nothing. I also realized that I have a lot more courage and am a lot braver than I have ever given myself credit for. I think these things will help me through the next couple of months.
Wednesday, we leave for Gemma and Josh's wedding. Patrick has effectively taken up almost the entire suitcase so now he gets to carry the gift on the plane with him. I'm looking forward to this wedding. To reconnecting with people who meant so much to me. I'm also looking forward to meeting other people who have special meaning in Gemma's life. But most of all, I'm looking forward to having fun. Laughing and joking and having a good time.
5.8.07
Homecoming
Leaving California was hard. For the first time in the last couple of months, I felt comfortable. It was okay to poke fun of myself and the people around me without anyone thinking it had a hidden meaning or agenda - my defenses have been on overdrive because it feels like nothing I say is correct-even joking. This has all been incredibly draining and I'm not sure how much more I have in me...
Today Patrick and I went to Mountainair for Katie and Lizza's combined potluck birthday party, which was supposed to start at 1. We got there at around noon thirty and saw the Shaffer Hotel (finally). Liz and her friends arrived around 1 and while waiting for the rest of the family to arrive, we blew up balloons outside and watched Grace (who is finally walking everywhere) chase after them and try to put the broken remnants in her mouth. My mom didn't arrive until about 2 and by 245 I was ready to eat. I demanded that we start even though Joanie and Mike weren't there. At that point we had been there long enough that I was done being polite. So we went inside, away from the flies, and had a nice lunch/dinner. That is, until after desert.
At this point Katie demands that we play the "Hate/Love" game, which I really don't want to play and should have immediately vetoed, but for whatever reason I didn't. So we start and Patrick, not wanting any part of it gets up and leaves to go read Harry Potter. I am the first to get to hear all about what everyone hates and loves about me...with Joanie going first. It was awful. My emotions are already stretched wire thin and then to hear all about how I "abused" Joanie and what a pretentious bitch I am (Liz's suggestion for Joanie to use). On top of which I am apparently a controlling, obsessive, yet focused individual. I cried. I couldn't stop it. I didn't have anything to retort with, didn't really know what to do other than try to dry my eyes. The game didn't really go on much longer. By that point, seeing that the game was more hurtful than helpful, most people lost interest. Unfortunately, I kept tearing up. My mom, who had left as well-not really liking what she was hearing, hugged me and told me that she was very proud of me, that she loves me, and that she still thinks I give the absolute best gifts of anyone she's ever known (said in an attempt to make me laugh-which of course just made me cry again). Funny, how mom's have a way of knowing just what you need to hear, when you need to hear it. Even more funny, is that my mom has finally accepted Patrick as my choice. Hysterical isn't it?
We leave for Gemma's wedding on Wednesday. I know what I need to say at the wedding, I just need to be able to say it, without crying. Yeah...good luck. I'm actually really excited for this wedding. I'm so very happy for Gemma. She is such a giving person and to see her accomplish everything that she has hoped and worked so hard for is wonderful. I think it will be a great time. But right now...I'm tired and ready to put this day behind me.
Today Patrick and I went to Mountainair for Katie and Lizza's combined potluck birthday party, which was supposed to start at 1. We got there at around noon thirty and saw the Shaffer Hotel (finally). Liz and her friends arrived around 1 and while waiting for the rest of the family to arrive, we blew up balloons outside and watched Grace (who is finally walking everywhere) chase after them and try to put the broken remnants in her mouth. My mom didn't arrive until about 2 and by 245 I was ready to eat. I demanded that we start even though Joanie and Mike weren't there. At that point we had been there long enough that I was done being polite. So we went inside, away from the flies, and had a nice lunch/dinner. That is, until after desert.
At this point Katie demands that we play the "Hate/Love" game, which I really don't want to play and should have immediately vetoed, but for whatever reason I didn't. So we start and Patrick, not wanting any part of it gets up and leaves to go read Harry Potter. I am the first to get to hear all about what everyone hates and loves about me...with Joanie going first. It was awful. My emotions are already stretched wire thin and then to hear all about how I "abused" Joanie and what a pretentious bitch I am (Liz's suggestion for Joanie to use). On top of which I am apparently a controlling, obsessive, yet focused individual. I cried. I couldn't stop it. I didn't have anything to retort with, didn't really know what to do other than try to dry my eyes. The game didn't really go on much longer. By that point, seeing that the game was more hurtful than helpful, most people lost interest. Unfortunately, I kept tearing up. My mom, who had left as well-not really liking what she was hearing, hugged me and told me that she was very proud of me, that she loves me, and that she still thinks I give the absolute best gifts of anyone she's ever known (said in an attempt to make me laugh-which of course just made me cry again). Funny, how mom's have a way of knowing just what you need to hear, when you need to hear it. Even more funny, is that my mom has finally accepted Patrick as my choice. Hysterical isn't it?
We leave for Gemma's wedding on Wednesday. I know what I need to say at the wedding, I just need to be able to say it, without crying. Yeah...good luck. I'm actually really excited for this wedding. I'm so very happy for Gemma. She is such a giving person and to see her accomplish everything that she has hoped and worked so hard for is wonderful. I think it will be a great time. But right now...I'm tired and ready to put this day behind me.
3.8.07
San Francisco
Today started very early, around 7 am, when we left for the two hour trip to San Francisco. We drove to Dublin where we caught the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) which took us into the Bay Area. The first thing I noticed was that it was pretty cold once we arrived in Dublin. About 20 degrees cooler I would guess. The BART ride was uneventful, and relaxing because there weren't a lot of people on board.
Once we got to SF, we took a trolly car (the only moving historical landmarks) to Fisherman's Wharf and at once headed for Ghirardelli where we shared a sundae. This is apparently a pre-requisit for any trip to SF. After the sundae we were rejuvenated enough to start walking around. We went down to the pier area and explored a little and then caught the Hop On & Hop Off bus to explore the extent of the city more thoroughly. The first bus we caught, the tour guide was awful. So bad that Julie and I just kept making fun of her. Half the trip she was badmouthing the city, the other half she just didn't know what she was talking about. To be fair, she was in training, but personally we decided we would have fired her. We got off and wandered around union square where the really high end shops are located and where neither of us really found anything wonderful enough that it warranted us breaking the bank. So we got on another bus where the tour guide was knowledgeable, but sounded awful. We just couldn't catch a break! We got off in Chinatown in the hopes of located The Stinking Rose, which is a restaurant that Lois and Patrick had raved about. Of course, the directions that Patrick had given us weren't very helpful and when we tried calling him to see if he could offer more help, he didn't answer. So we waited for and got back on the bus, with the same awful first tour guide. And as we go through Little Italy, we pass The Stinking Rose. Of course.
We end up back at Fisherman's Wharf and get off at Pier 39 where we wander around in and out of the little shops. After a short while, we decided we were hungry and went to the #9 Fisherman's Grotto for the famous bread bowl clam chowder. Now, not having had wheat in quite a while, I was apprehensive about eating something that came in a breadbowl, but when in Rome... The bread was exquisit! Absolutely wonderful. I only ate a small amount, but what I did eat was really good, especailly with the clam chowder. I bought two loaves to bring back to Santa Fe with me.
After dinner, we decided to go on a harbor cruise. As we're standing in line, an employee asks if we were planning on paying in cash, we said yes and he waved a man over who was trying to get rid of some tickets that he and his family couldn't use. He offered them to us at half price so of course we couldn't turn them down! We got on the boat, froze half to death and had a great time listening to the narration about the history of the Bay Area, the Golden Gate Bridge, and Alcatraz as we circled around. We got lots of great pictures and have memories that will last. We are already talking about what we'll do the next time I'm in town.
Unfortunately, the day was starting to end and after a cup of Ghirardelli hot chocolate (because apparently we have to end as we began), we made our way back to the trolly and then onto BART and finally home.
All told, a truly awesome trip. Now, I am off to bed. Tomorrow it is back to reality and NM.
Once we got to SF, we took a trolly car (the only moving historical landmarks) to Fisherman's Wharf and at once headed for Ghirardelli where we shared a sundae. This is apparently a pre-requisit for any trip to SF. After the sundae we were rejuvenated enough to start walking around. We went down to the pier area and explored a little and then caught the Hop On & Hop Off bus to explore the extent of the city more thoroughly. The first bus we caught, the tour guide was awful. So bad that Julie and I just kept making fun of her. Half the trip she was badmouthing the city, the other half she just didn't know what she was talking about. To be fair, she was in training, but personally we decided we would have fired her. We got off and wandered around union square where the really high end shops are located and where neither of us really found anything wonderful enough that it warranted us breaking the bank. So we got on another bus where the tour guide was knowledgeable, but sounded awful. We just couldn't catch a break! We got off in Chinatown in the hopes of located The Stinking Rose, which is a restaurant that Lois and Patrick had raved about. Of course, the directions that Patrick had given us weren't very helpful and when we tried calling him to see if he could offer more help, he didn't answer. So we waited for and got back on the bus, with the same awful first tour guide. And as we go through Little Italy, we pass The Stinking Rose. Of course.
We end up back at Fisherman's Wharf and get off at Pier 39 where we wander around in and out of the little shops. After a short while, we decided we were hungry and went to the #9 Fisherman's Grotto for the famous bread bowl clam chowder. Now, not having had wheat in quite a while, I was apprehensive about eating something that came in a breadbowl, but when in Rome... The bread was exquisit! Absolutely wonderful. I only ate a small amount, but what I did eat was really good, especailly with the clam chowder. I bought two loaves to bring back to Santa Fe with me.
After dinner, we decided to go on a harbor cruise. As we're standing in line, an employee asks if we were planning on paying in cash, we said yes and he waved a man over who was trying to get rid of some tickets that he and his family couldn't use. He offered them to us at half price so of course we couldn't turn them down! We got on the boat, froze half to death and had a great time listening to the narration about the history of the Bay Area, the Golden Gate Bridge, and Alcatraz as we circled around. We got lots of great pictures and have memories that will last. We are already talking about what we'll do the next time I'm in town.
Unfortunately, the day was starting to end and after a cup of Ghirardelli hot chocolate (because apparently we have to end as we began), we made our way back to the trolly and then onto BART and finally home.
All told, a truly awesome trip. Now, I am off to bed. Tomorrow it is back to reality and NM.
31.7.07
Julie & California
I'm here and having a wonderful time. The flight was long but the company, ExpressJet, is really great. I was offered three different types of snacks, a meal (granted it was airline food but it was a meal none-the-less), and several times I was offered another drink. The flight crew were friendly and pleasant. It was, by far, one of the best flights I have been on in a long time.
Julie picked me up and we had dinner in Old Sac (the older part of downtown Sacramento) at Joe's Crab Shack. The crab was really good, which was surprising being that it is a chain. The atmosphere was fun, the staff danced to "Ain't Goin Down till the Sun Comes Up" and our server was engaging. I finally bought a "Bite Me" t-shirt and after dinner we walked around the area stopping in candy shops for free samples of salt water taffy.
Julie was anxious to hear about what has been happening with Patrick and I lately as I really didn't tell her much over email.
I am trying to be optimistic when it comes to us. He was, after all the one who said he wanted us to work at our relationship. That 10 years together are worth the effort. There are moments, usually brief ones but moments, when I see Patrick. The man who is kind, gentle, affectionate and passionate. I don't know where that man went, but seeing those glimpses of the man I love are what gives me hope and determination that we can get past this.
Julie was, for once, speechless. Which is an accompishment. She didn't really know what to say, only that she hates seeing me so sad and that he should take the stick out of his ass. She has been great about allowing me to work through this without giving me anger-induced advice. My sister told me to get the hell out. To run hard and fast because no man is worth this. Julie listens, hugs me and offers copious amounts of chocolate, and then we laugh.
If nothing else, this trip has been good for me in that it will allow me some distance and will (hopefully) allow some perspective as well. Both Julie and Andrew have been amazing. They have the type of relationship I envisioned Patrick and I would have once we had our own home. Each with their own space and jobs, but when they are together they are truly together-enjoying eachother's company and companionship. They are happy and it is brilliant to see. Best of all, they laugh and it is infectious. Which more than anything, I desperately need. I love to laugh and I have done so little of it lately.
Today I will hang around the house and watch movies or read. Tomorrow I'll go in with her and tour the city and troll for shoes. We are going to try for SF on Thursday, providing Julie doesn't get called in. Friday I leave, but not before stopping for a wine tasting. Julie says that the Zinfandel they have at this winery is terrific and the wine tasting is FREE!
Julie picked me up and we had dinner in Old Sac (the older part of downtown Sacramento) at Joe's Crab Shack. The crab was really good, which was surprising being that it is a chain. The atmosphere was fun, the staff danced to "Ain't Goin Down till the Sun Comes Up" and our server was engaging. I finally bought a "Bite Me" t-shirt and after dinner we walked around the area stopping in candy shops for free samples of salt water taffy.
Julie was anxious to hear about what has been happening with Patrick and I lately as I really didn't tell her much over email.
I am trying to be optimistic when it comes to us. He was, after all the one who said he wanted us to work at our relationship. That 10 years together are worth the effort. There are moments, usually brief ones but moments, when I see Patrick. The man who is kind, gentle, affectionate and passionate. I don't know where that man went, but seeing those glimpses of the man I love are what gives me hope and determination that we can get past this.
Julie was, for once, speechless. Which is an accompishment. She didn't really know what to say, only that she hates seeing me so sad and that he should take the stick out of his ass. She has been great about allowing me to work through this without giving me anger-induced advice. My sister told me to get the hell out. To run hard and fast because no man is worth this. Julie listens, hugs me and offers copious amounts of chocolate, and then we laugh.
If nothing else, this trip has been good for me in that it will allow me some distance and will (hopefully) allow some perspective as well. Both Julie and Andrew have been amazing. They have the type of relationship I envisioned Patrick and I would have once we had our own home. Each with their own space and jobs, but when they are together they are truly together-enjoying eachother's company and companionship. They are happy and it is brilliant to see. Best of all, they laugh and it is infectious. Which more than anything, I desperately need. I love to laugh and I have done so little of it lately.
Today I will hang around the house and watch movies or read. Tomorrow I'll go in with her and tour the city and troll for shoes. We are going to try for SF on Thursday, providing Julie doesn't get called in. Friday I leave, but not before stopping for a wine tasting. Julie says that the Zinfandel they have at this winery is terrific and the wine tasting is FREE!
29.7.07
Gearing up to go
Monday I leave for California, and I'm very excited! I get to spend a whole week just relaxing and enjoying spending time with my friend. Then, in a quirky twist of irony, I get to go to the opposite side of the country to celebrate Gemma and Josh getting married. In a way, it is bittersweet for me considering the pain of the last couple of months. But, pain lets you know you are alive. There isn't anywhere I would rather be, than there with them as my best friend marries the man she loves. Funny how just two short years ago I was in California celebrating with Julie and Andrew as they got married.
Found out that the accident that totaled Liz's car wasn't her fault after all. That is why she wasn't cited. The insurance and police believe that it was fraud and are pursuing it from their end. Fortunately, that means Liz doesn't have to worry about losing her insurance. She seems to be doing well in the weeks since her divorce. She said that when Jason told her that he didn't love her, she knew there was nothing left of them. But to be fair, Jason is damaged. I though we (my family) had issues until I learned about some of the things involved in his family and life. I'm glad she got out before another child was brought into that situation, before she was drug deeper into it.
Katie seems to be doing better since her break down. She called and asked me to come for a visit. Next Saturday I am off and asked Patrick if he would go down there with me. Grudgingly, he agreed to go. Granted, Mountainair isn't the most glamorous place in the world...certainly not the most glamorous place in NM, but my sister would like us to visit her and to see Grace. I think we can take one Saturday out of our summer and visit her.
Mike is going to be a father. The baby is due sometime in February and no one in my family has met the woman. She refused to go to my mother's birthday BBQ at the last minute and has refused other invitations. This does not bode well for future encounters with our new niece or nephew.
Lois is having a marvelous time in Norway. She and Jean have seen some amazing countryside and have nothing but praise for the people they have met. The pictures she has sent are absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately, fish or some type of seafood is part of every meal, which pretty much takes Norway off the list of possible places to visit for Patrick.
The training is still going well. Running doesn't hurt anywhere near as much as it used to. It is getting easier and with the music I am able to find a rhythm and kind of zone out.
Patrick still loves the ED. He wants to work there after graduation and it sounds like he will be moving down to Albuquerque in January to "start his life". Have you ever wondered at change? How quickly it can happen...or how blindly we become to it when we don't like what we see? I have wondered a great deal about change the last couple of weeks. It is painful, hurtful, and sometimes all you want to do is curl up in a ball and wait for it to be over. But if change can take a caterpillar and turn it into something as beautiful as a butterfly, who is to say that it can't have the same effect on us?
Found out that the accident that totaled Liz's car wasn't her fault after all. That is why she wasn't cited. The insurance and police believe that it was fraud and are pursuing it from their end. Fortunately, that means Liz doesn't have to worry about losing her insurance. She seems to be doing well in the weeks since her divorce. She said that when Jason told her that he didn't love her, she knew there was nothing left of them. But to be fair, Jason is damaged. I though we (my family) had issues until I learned about some of the things involved in his family and life. I'm glad she got out before another child was brought into that situation, before she was drug deeper into it.
Katie seems to be doing better since her break down. She called and asked me to come for a visit. Next Saturday I am off and asked Patrick if he would go down there with me. Grudgingly, he agreed to go. Granted, Mountainair isn't the most glamorous place in the world...certainly not the most glamorous place in NM, but my sister would like us to visit her and to see Grace. I think we can take one Saturday out of our summer and visit her.
Mike is going to be a father. The baby is due sometime in February and no one in my family has met the woman. She refused to go to my mother's birthday BBQ at the last minute and has refused other invitations. This does not bode well for future encounters with our new niece or nephew.
Lois is having a marvelous time in Norway. She and Jean have seen some amazing countryside and have nothing but praise for the people they have met. The pictures she has sent are absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately, fish or some type of seafood is part of every meal, which pretty much takes Norway off the list of possible places to visit for Patrick.
The training is still going well. Running doesn't hurt anywhere near as much as it used to. It is getting easier and with the music I am able to find a rhythm and kind of zone out.
Patrick still loves the ED. He wants to work there after graduation and it sounds like he will be moving down to Albuquerque in January to "start his life". Have you ever wondered at change? How quickly it can happen...or how blindly we become to it when we don't like what we see? I have wondered a great deal about change the last couple of weeks. It is painful, hurtful, and sometimes all you want to do is curl up in a ball and wait for it to be over. But if change can take a caterpillar and turn it into something as beautiful as a butterfly, who is to say that it can't have the same effect on us?
24.7.07
Harry Potter
I have just finished reading the last Harry Potter book. It was by far, the most magical and amazing story I have ever read. From the beginning to end, it allowed me to experience love, friendship, sacrifice, and honor in some of the truest ways possible. I feel fortunate that my generation was able to experience this spectacular story and I look forward to reading it to my children one day. Interesting, isn't it, that the love and joy of reading is reestablished by such a story.
In other news...
Patrick pulled a muscle in his back the other day lifting weights. He took yesterday off work and today walked around the track and sat in the hot tub at the school in an effort to soothe the knots and relax the muscle. Apparently I was being too "motherly" in my concern for him, which he found annoying, so I have backed off to let him deal with it as he feels works best for him. He is afterall, a grown man and can take care of himself.
Liz was in a car accident that totaled her car. She had some minor scraps and burns from the air bag, but assured me she was fine. Unfortunately, the accident was her fault. She had reached to answer her cell phone and rear ended the car in front of her. I'm sure that her insurance company will not be too happy about this, as it is her third accident (all of which have been her fault).
Got in 40 laps at the pool today, which is a new high for me. Usually I do about 25. Today though I wasn't tiring as quickly and I felt really good, so I kept going. I think that since Emma is out of town this week, I may just focus on swimming to build up my cardio. Then next week I am out of town, in CA, so I will try to get in some walking. It won't be the same since I will be at a lower elevation - and not knowing where the heck I am going in that area won't help much either. But the purpose of this trip is to get away and clear my head and exercise seems to really help with that - so a-walking I will go. It will be so good to see Julie again.
My shoes for Gemma's wedding still haven't arrived - which has me worried. I need to call them tomorrow to find out where the heck they are. Inevitably, I will call and they will arrive tomorrow afternoon.
In other news...
Patrick pulled a muscle in his back the other day lifting weights. He took yesterday off work and today walked around the track and sat in the hot tub at the school in an effort to soothe the knots and relax the muscle. Apparently I was being too "motherly" in my concern for him, which he found annoying, so I have backed off to let him deal with it as he feels works best for him. He is afterall, a grown man and can take care of himself.
Liz was in a car accident that totaled her car. She had some minor scraps and burns from the air bag, but assured me she was fine. Unfortunately, the accident was her fault. She had reached to answer her cell phone and rear ended the car in front of her. I'm sure that her insurance company will not be too happy about this, as it is her third accident (all of which have been her fault).
Got in 40 laps at the pool today, which is a new high for me. Usually I do about 25. Today though I wasn't tiring as quickly and I felt really good, so I kept going. I think that since Emma is out of town this week, I may just focus on swimming to build up my cardio. Then next week I am out of town, in CA, so I will try to get in some walking. It won't be the same since I will be at a lower elevation - and not knowing where the heck I am going in that area won't help much either. But the purpose of this trip is to get away and clear my head and exercise seems to really help with that - so a-walking I will go. It will be so good to see Julie again.
My shoes for Gemma's wedding still haven't arrived - which has me worried. I need to call them tomorrow to find out where the heck they are. Inevitably, I will call and they will arrive tomorrow afternoon.
18.7.07
California Bound
I am off to California at the end of July to visit Julie and Andrew for a week. I wasn't sure, at first, that taking two trips back-to-back was a great idea. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a great way to spend the last few weeks of the summer. A week with Julie and then 4 days after I get back Patrick and I are bound for NC for Gemma's wedding.
I'm really excited about this wedding now. I have a beautiful dress that I look "amazing" in and it is actually something I can wear again! I also found some great shoes that won't kill my feet (thankfully!). Now, all I have to do is fine tune what I am going to say at the wedding. I have a general idea, but I don't want to start crying...which is a distinct possibility.
I went with Lois the other day and bought a suitcase that will hold everything for this trip. It is large enough that it will hold my dress, the gift Lois is sending along with us, as well as Patrick's suit, and all the rest of my clothing. It should also come in handy when we go to Hadrian's Wall in May. While we will only be there a little over a week, I never know what I may find and want to bring back with us.
The training for the marathon is going well. Today we walked 3 miles outside. There is no doubt it is going to be a challenge, but one I grow more and more confident that we are up for. It has been interesting watching the changes in just the two short weeks that we have been seriously working towards this goal. My legs are toned, I have lost quite a bit of weight and I feel really good. I have an image in my head of what we will look and feel like when we are done with the marathon and it provides such motivation! But, the best part of this experience has been watching my friend go from feeling like she can't do this marathon, to her feeling confident in her ability to do it.
I'm really excited about this wedding now. I have a beautiful dress that I look "amazing" in and it is actually something I can wear again! I also found some great shoes that won't kill my feet (thankfully!). Now, all I have to do is fine tune what I am going to say at the wedding. I have a general idea, but I don't want to start crying...which is a distinct possibility.
I went with Lois the other day and bought a suitcase that will hold everything for this trip. It is large enough that it will hold my dress, the gift Lois is sending along with us, as well as Patrick's suit, and all the rest of my clothing. It should also come in handy when we go to Hadrian's Wall in May. While we will only be there a little over a week, I never know what I may find and want to bring back with us.
The training for the marathon is going well. Today we walked 3 miles outside. There is no doubt it is going to be a challenge, but one I grow more and more confident that we are up for. It has been interesting watching the changes in just the two short weeks that we have been seriously working towards this goal. My legs are toned, I have lost quite a bit of weight and I feel really good. I have an image in my head of what we will look and feel like when we are done with the marathon and it provides such motivation! But, the best part of this experience has been watching my friend go from feeling like she can't do this marathon, to her feeling confident in her ability to do it.
11.7.07
A New Form of Torture
I have discovered...the rowing machine. Yesterday in the gym I ran (which is getting easier) and afterwards decided I needed to work on my back so of course I go to the one machine I haven't tried in about 6 years. The rower. It was brutal. I was only able to do 5 minutes and somehow, in that time was able to cause my back and upper arms enough grief that I decided to take a break today. It was a great work out but I am very sore in places that I'm usually not. I think I will be going back to it tomorrow.
We are planning a trip to Hadrian's Wall in May of 2008 (actually the day after I graduate from nursing school). There is a historical fiction novel based on the Wall during the Roman occupation of Britan that I had been trying to find to read. Unfortunately, the only copy was checked out at the library and it is not in print any longer. Fortunately, Patrick knew the guy who checked the book out and was able to borrow it from him so I could read it. It is a very interesting story so far, and I'm really enjoying it.
Our room is coming along...a little slower than I would like but at least most of the elements needed are ordered. I finally found a border to cover up the existing, flowery one. I also bought a beautifully framed mirror to cover the hole in our wall from an old speaker system. Of course I couldn't possibly patch the hole, that would make no sense what-so-ever. Finally, I went to the frame shop and asked if they could create a wooden valance from some of their moulding and although it was more expensive than a plain wooden one, it will add a lot of depth and character to the space. Even though I will only be living here for about another year, it feels so much more comfortable and relaxing now. I feel like I have a space that I have some control of. After living here for 2 years...I finally took the initiative and made it mine.
My dress for Gemma's wedding arrived. It is, in a word, perfect. I tried it on for Emma and Lois and they both loved it. I look elegant and beautiful in it and I can't wait to wear it. Which for me...is almost unheard of. I'm usually terrified of dresses and even more afraid of white dresses. But I really feel good in this dress. It is light enough that I shouldn't be sweating like a pig in heat (even in Winston Salem in August) and loose enough that I will be able to dance freely. Now I just need to even out my runner's tan.
We are planning a trip to Hadrian's Wall in May of 2008 (actually the day after I graduate from nursing school). There is a historical fiction novel based on the Wall during the Roman occupation of Britan that I had been trying to find to read. Unfortunately, the only copy was checked out at the library and it is not in print any longer. Fortunately, Patrick knew the guy who checked the book out and was able to borrow it from him so I could read it. It is a very interesting story so far, and I'm really enjoying it.
Our room is coming along...a little slower than I would like but at least most of the elements needed are ordered. I finally found a border to cover up the existing, flowery one. I also bought a beautifully framed mirror to cover the hole in our wall from an old speaker system. Of course I couldn't possibly patch the hole, that would make no sense what-so-ever. Finally, I went to the frame shop and asked if they could create a wooden valance from some of their moulding and although it was more expensive than a plain wooden one, it will add a lot of depth and character to the space. Even though I will only be living here for about another year, it feels so much more comfortable and relaxing now. I feel like I have a space that I have some control of. After living here for 2 years...I finally took the initiative and made it mine.
My dress for Gemma's wedding arrived. It is, in a word, perfect. I tried it on for Emma and Lois and they both loved it. I look elegant and beautiful in it and I can't wait to wear it. Which for me...is almost unheard of. I'm usually terrified of dresses and even more afraid of white dresses. But I really feel good in this dress. It is light enough that I shouldn't be sweating like a pig in heat (even in Winston Salem in August) and loose enough that I will be able to dance freely. Now I just need to even out my runner's tan.
8.7.07
Becca...the model?
As I have previously mentioned, I had to have my hair fixed after the debacle at Master Cuts (where, incidentially, Patrick referred to me as a 12 year old boy - yeah...ouch!). Since having it fixed, however, I have had more compliments, whistles, and winks than I can ever remember.
Last night at work, several of the nurses said that I look like a model. Laughing it off at the time, I didn't really think about it again until this morning. It is amazing how just a simple haircut can change how people look at you...at how you look at yourself. You may do nothing more than stand up straighter, walk with your head held high and think that you are finally worth something and people really notice and respond to it...to you.
I have no aspirations of being a model, but it is nice to be likened to one. To see yourself as others see you. Beautiful and desirable.
Last night at work, several of the nurses said that I look like a model. Laughing it off at the time, I didn't really think about it again until this morning. It is amazing how just a simple haircut can change how people look at you...at how you look at yourself. You may do nothing more than stand up straighter, walk with your head held high and think that you are finally worth something and people really notice and respond to it...to you.
I have no aspirations of being a model, but it is nice to be likened to one. To see yourself as others see you. Beautiful and desirable.
6.7.07
Training begins...
Although yesterday was our first official day of training for our 5K, it didn't go as planned. My friend and I completely missed each other in an attempt to meet up at the gym. Rather than waiting longer than I was I went for a warm-up lap around the school and by the time I had returned to the parking lot, she had left. While I would have preferred working out with her, I at least started.
I discovered a sadistic side to my personality today however, when we got together to work out. She wanted to play in the pool...and knowing this, I told her we weren't going anywhere near it. Instead, we took a warm up lap around the school and then I told her to get on the stationary bike and ride for thirty minutes. When I saw her choosing the easiest settings I told her that she needed to make it the Hill sequence and at least at level 5-which personally I think is a little too easy, but... I thought she might throw something at me. But for thirty minutes we both pounded through up and downhill cycling. I was dripping sweat but I felt so good. At the end of this, my friend was tired and ready to go home. I made her walk another lap and then drug her into the gym to work on stretching and abdominal exercises. She really didn't want to do that either. But we did it, her bemoaning the fact that she was going to be sore the next day. I taught her some good ab exercises and made her do 50 crunches...when she didn't want to do any. After almost 2 hours at the gym I feel that we definitely had made a good start to our training. Tomorrow I will be alone, she has to work, but I will still push myself. I just kind-of wish I had her to push too.
I discovered a sadistic side to my personality today however, when we got together to work out. She wanted to play in the pool...and knowing this, I told her we weren't going anywhere near it. Instead, we took a warm up lap around the school and then I told her to get on the stationary bike and ride for thirty minutes. When I saw her choosing the easiest settings I told her that she needed to make it the Hill sequence and at least at level 5-which personally I think is a little too easy, but... I thought she might throw something at me. But for thirty minutes we both pounded through up and downhill cycling. I was dripping sweat but I felt so good. At the end of this, my friend was tired and ready to go home. I made her walk another lap and then drug her into the gym to work on stretching and abdominal exercises. She really didn't want to do that either. But we did it, her bemoaning the fact that she was going to be sore the next day. I taught her some good ab exercises and made her do 50 crunches...when she didn't want to do any. After almost 2 hours at the gym I feel that we definitely had made a good start to our training. Tomorrow I will be alone, she has to work, but I will still push myself. I just kind-of wish I had her to push too.
4.7.07
Yes, I really am going to do this
I have decided to train for a 5K marathon in October. Originally, I wanted Patrick and I to do it together, but since he doesn't seem interested I have asked a friend if she would. We start training tomorrow. Truthfully, this started out as a means for Patrick and I to have something that we could do together. A goal to work towards, if you will. I haven't really run since soccer, but was willing to put in the effort. But, when he told me that he thought I was doing it just because he wanted to and didn't appear happy that I wanted to do something that would involve us spending some time together I almost gave up totally. Then, I decided to hell with that. I want to try. I want to have focus and a goal. I want to be fit and healthy. So, now I have 3 months to train for a 5K - just 3.1 miles. I'm really excited truth be told. I think it will be a challenge, but one that I am up for.
I'm also in the process of redecorating and reorganizing our room. I have removed a lot of crap, that doesn't belong in a bedroom. I've taken down a lot of pictures that are appropriate for a guest room...not a bedroom. I've also put up some photos of us which really gives the room a personal feeling. I finally feel comfortable sleeping in there...like it is actually mine. Although temporary, I am tired of feeling like I'm sleeping in a hotel room - that "never really unpacked" feeling. I think, when I'm done, it will look really great.
I ordered my dress for Gemma's wedding and I have to say, it looks amazing! I am really happy that I told Gemma I wasn't happy wearing someone else's wedding dress. It's very Grecian goddess and I will look lovely.
Spoke with Julie yesterday for about 2 hours on the phone. I miss her so much. Gemma too, but it is nice to have someone who knows both Patrick and I well enough to really listen to me about what I have been going through and feeling the last few weeks. She has demanded that I come out for a visit as soon as I can and that it would be good for me to get away. I have to agree. I am going to start looking at the calender to see if there is a time I can get away before school starts. She also firmly stated that CA has a high demand for nurses and that I should seriously consider moving out there once I have graduated. Which, I may actually look at as a possibility. She has offered up their guest bedroom as a place to stay until I was able to get a place of my own. We'll see. I still have a year to go before all is said and done.
Swimming is going very well and I'm looking forward to starting scuba diving lessons. I think it will be a great experience and another skill to add to my growing list.
I was telling a class mate about all the things I am planning and doing and she says, "And nursing school? When will you have time for that?". But finally, I feel fullfilled...like I am doing more than just watching and waiting for life to pass me by. I feel...good.
I'm also in the process of redecorating and reorganizing our room. I have removed a lot of crap, that doesn't belong in a bedroom. I've taken down a lot of pictures that are appropriate for a guest room...not a bedroom. I've also put up some photos of us which really gives the room a personal feeling. I finally feel comfortable sleeping in there...like it is actually mine. Although temporary, I am tired of feeling like I'm sleeping in a hotel room - that "never really unpacked" feeling. I think, when I'm done, it will look really great.
I ordered my dress for Gemma's wedding and I have to say, it looks amazing! I am really happy that I told Gemma I wasn't happy wearing someone else's wedding dress. It's very Grecian goddess and I will look lovely.
Spoke with Julie yesterday for about 2 hours on the phone. I miss her so much. Gemma too, but it is nice to have someone who knows both Patrick and I well enough to really listen to me about what I have been going through and feeling the last few weeks. She has demanded that I come out for a visit as soon as I can and that it would be good for me to get away. I have to agree. I am going to start looking at the calender to see if there is a time I can get away before school starts. She also firmly stated that CA has a high demand for nurses and that I should seriously consider moving out there once I have graduated. Which, I may actually look at as a possibility. She has offered up their guest bedroom as a place to stay until I was able to get a place of my own. We'll see. I still have a year to go before all is said and done.
Swimming is going very well and I'm looking forward to starting scuba diving lessons. I think it will be a great experience and another skill to add to my growing list.
I was telling a class mate about all the things I am planning and doing and she says, "And nursing school? When will you have time for that?". But finally, I feel fullfilled...like I am doing more than just watching and waiting for life to pass me by. I feel...good.
28.6.07
The New Adventures Begin
I have had a great couple of days. I decided that I am not responsible for Patrick or anyone but myself. And I am not going to sit around and mope or be bored - it is a shitty way to live the rest of my life. So...
Monday, I spent a great day with my sisters. I bought these amazing rose-colored sunglasses that look great on me. I also bought some perfume. This is a huge step because I had never been able to find the exact perfume that I thought suited me. This one does. It is sassy, sweet, spicy and classy all rolled into one...if you can believe that. We went to Chili's for dinner and my sister, Kate, goes up to the hostess and tells her that we want a table in a section with a very hot server. Liz and I about dropped to the floor we laughed so hard. So the hostess tells us about the server in the bar, whom she thinks is just gorgeous. Kate looks at us and says, "We're sitting here". We sit down and a few minutes later the server comes over. Admittedly, he was pretty good looking. Kate looks at him and says, "Look, I know we aren't the most attractive group of women in here. But we have had a shitty day. (Pointing to Lizza) She just signed divorce papers this afternoon. (Pointing to me) Her boyfriend is being a shit-head. And I lied to my husband so I could hang out with them. So, if you could flirt with us, make us laugh that would go a long way towards you getting a really good tip". I thought Liz was going to fall out of her chair. I couldn't stop laughing and Kate just grinned as the server tried to figure out what the hell to do with us. It was great!
Tuesday Emma and I went to Albuquerque. She needed to see her chiropractor and I was hoping to find some red heels for Gemma's wedding. We had a lot of fun. I bought an orange purse, which is feminine and pretty. We bought hats to wear on our hike the next day and I started looking at paint and fixtures for the bedroom and bathroom. I didn't find my heels, but with me and shoes, it is always a long process to find just what I am looking for. I have been searching the internet, but I am always wary about how they may fit. The other thing I have come to realize is that apparently you have to be a hooker or an old lady to buy red heels. The shoes I have found aren't really classy looking or pretty. They look like you might want to wear them to the beach (canvass) or on a striper's pole (cork and patent leather). Ick.
Yesterday, Emma, a travel nurse - Audrey, and I went hiking in Tent Rock. It was absolutely incredible! The views and the formations were just amazing. The only down side was the flies that seemed to adore me. I need to remember to bring bug spray the next time I go. When we were coming back down from the mesa, we ran into two gentlemen (definitely from the south, but living in Albuquerque). These men looked like they were ready for the first of many MIs. Beet red, sweating profusely, out of breath, overweight and worst of all they had left their water with their wives! It was a recipe for disaster. Fortunately, Emma had packed extra water (thinking that for some reason I wouldn't pack any?!?!), but I had Patrick's CamelBak so we were able to give them the extra water and Audrey gave them some chocolate she had with her. I've never heard someone refer to me as an angel so many times in such a short period of time. Onward we went, and shortly after meeting the gentlemen, we met the first of two wives. The first was trying to get back down the path with a bottle of water in one hand and a Van Gogh umbrella in another (using it as a walking stick, of all things!). We helped her get back to her sister-in-law and by that point we were at the end of our hike. The bugs decided to stay in tent rock and we headed for home.
When we got back to Santa Fe, I went to Aveda to have them fix the debacle another place made of my hair by chopping it all off. The man who fixed it was a genius! He shaped and defined it so that as it grows out, it will grow into the cut I originally wanted. I look sassy, sexy, and fun and received more compliments than I thought possible. I went to work and received an ATO so I came home and went to dinner with some friends where we laughed so hard. It was a grand day.
Today I am having coffee with friends and then after going to the pool, will go to work this afternoon. But who knows what could happen between now and then?
Monday, I spent a great day with my sisters. I bought these amazing rose-colored sunglasses that look great on me. I also bought some perfume. This is a huge step because I had never been able to find the exact perfume that I thought suited me. This one does. It is sassy, sweet, spicy and classy all rolled into one...if you can believe that. We went to Chili's for dinner and my sister, Kate, goes up to the hostess and tells her that we want a table in a section with a very hot server. Liz and I about dropped to the floor we laughed so hard. So the hostess tells us about the server in the bar, whom she thinks is just gorgeous. Kate looks at us and says, "We're sitting here". We sit down and a few minutes later the server comes over. Admittedly, he was pretty good looking. Kate looks at him and says, "Look, I know we aren't the most attractive group of women in here. But we have had a shitty day. (Pointing to Lizza) She just signed divorce papers this afternoon. (Pointing to me) Her boyfriend is being a shit-head. And I lied to my husband so I could hang out with them. So, if you could flirt with us, make us laugh that would go a long way towards you getting a really good tip". I thought Liz was going to fall out of her chair. I couldn't stop laughing and Kate just grinned as the server tried to figure out what the hell to do with us. It was great!
Tuesday Emma and I went to Albuquerque. She needed to see her chiropractor and I was hoping to find some red heels for Gemma's wedding. We had a lot of fun. I bought an orange purse, which is feminine and pretty. We bought hats to wear on our hike the next day and I started looking at paint and fixtures for the bedroom and bathroom. I didn't find my heels, but with me and shoes, it is always a long process to find just what I am looking for. I have been searching the internet, but I am always wary about how they may fit. The other thing I have come to realize is that apparently you have to be a hooker or an old lady to buy red heels. The shoes I have found aren't really classy looking or pretty. They look like you might want to wear them to the beach (canvass) or on a striper's pole (cork and patent leather). Ick.
Yesterday, Emma, a travel nurse - Audrey, and I went hiking in Tent Rock. It was absolutely incredible! The views and the formations were just amazing. The only down side was the flies that seemed to adore me. I need to remember to bring bug spray the next time I go. When we were coming back down from the mesa, we ran into two gentlemen (definitely from the south, but living in Albuquerque). These men looked like they were ready for the first of many MIs. Beet red, sweating profusely, out of breath, overweight and worst of all they had left their water with their wives! It was a recipe for disaster. Fortunately, Emma had packed extra water (thinking that for some reason I wouldn't pack any?!?!), but I had Patrick's CamelBak so we were able to give them the extra water and Audrey gave them some chocolate she had with her. I've never heard someone refer to me as an angel so many times in such a short period of time. Onward we went, and shortly after meeting the gentlemen, we met the first of two wives. The first was trying to get back down the path with a bottle of water in one hand and a Van Gogh umbrella in another (using it as a walking stick, of all things!). We helped her get back to her sister-in-law and by that point we were at the end of our hike. The bugs decided to stay in tent rock and we headed for home.
When we got back to Santa Fe, I went to Aveda to have them fix the debacle another place made of my hair by chopping it all off. The man who fixed it was a genius! He shaped and defined it so that as it grows out, it will grow into the cut I originally wanted. I look sassy, sexy, and fun and received more compliments than I thought possible. I went to work and received an ATO so I came home and went to dinner with some friends where we laughed so hard. It was a grand day.
Today I am having coffee with friends and then after going to the pool, will go to work this afternoon. But who knows what could happen between now and then?
14.6.07
The third funeral
First my father. Then my aunt - who was another parent to us. Now my paternal grandmother. The three are done and hopefully we will go a long while until another person dies.
Our grandmother lived in Chicago and Katie, Stephanie, Grace and I were elected to attend the funeral as representatives from this side of the family. I didn't ask Patrick to go because I knew he couldn't, I just told him we were leaving for the funeral and I would see him when I got back.
Because it was such short notice, we had to decide whether we would pay the extra money to fly out of ABQ or drive to Chicago. I wasn't really up for driving 1300 miles with a baby in the car, so we decided to figure out a way to make this cheaper and faster. We found airfare flying out of Denver to Chicago that was very cheap and decided that a 6 hour drive to Denver was better than a 24 hour drive to Chicago.
The morning we were to leave for our flight out of Denver I decided to get an oil change and rotate my tires just to be safe. I take it to the place I usually go and am told that they can't rotate my tires because they are bald. To make the situation even more interesting, I needed a complete alignment - which was what caused my tires to go bald in the first place. The place that did my oil change didn't work with tires so I had to go home and call places that did, hoping that somewhere would have the size tires I needed and could put them on in a two hour period of time before we HAD to leave for Denver. Of course, only one place had all 4 tires in stock and could do an alignment, and of course, the tires were the most expensive and best quality tires on the market. Had it just been me driving, I would have waited and taken care of this when I got back from the funeral. But because I had two siblings and a baby in the car with me, I figured it was better to take care of it all then. I set up the appointment making sure they knew I had a deadline and as soon as I got off the phone with the tire place, my mother calls to tell me that she doesn't think that Stephanie's school photo ID will be enough for her to be able to get on the plane in Denver and that I need to go to the Division of Vital Records and get a copy of her birth certificate. Frustrated beyond belief at this point, I race over to get a copy of her birth certificate and then race accross town to have the tires changed, almost 45 minutes after I had told them I would be there. To their credit, they get my car in as quickly as possible and with me standing over them try to have the car done by noon. Katie, Stephanie and Grace get into town around 11 and I tell them the situation and that they should go eat lunch, I'll meet them at the house as soon as I'm done. The tires and alignment are completed by 1220 and I pay the exhorbitant amount of money (which had been discounted significantly from the original price I was quoted and was still enormous) and raced back home. Seneca dropped them off, put their suitcases in the car, they piled in and then we sped off for Denver. Because we didn't actually get out of town until 1245, when we had planned to leave at 1130, I knew I had to make up time on the highway. Pulling out the radar detector I raced up to Denver doing 95 to 100 mph.
We made it to Denver, barely. Of all the parking lots at the airport, only the one that happens to be the farthest away from the airport is open. We get to it and wait for the shuttle, which once it picks us up, takes 20 minutes to get to the terminal because the bus can only do 15 to 20 mph. I'm anxious, Grace is soaking wet and Katie and Stephanie look like they would gladly be anywhere but there. We get to the terminal at 710, our flight leaves at 740. We check in (they don't need Stephanie's birth certificate), convince them that we cannot carry our luggage on the plane with us and that it has to be checked and then run to security (where Katie is stopped because she forgot to take her lighter out and put it in her checked luggage), race to the train that will take us to the gate - by this time it is 725. The train takes us to the B gates and as we get out and run to our gate, I remember that I haven't eaten all day. As we pass by various food stands I hear my stomach kick into high gear and grumble. We get on the plane right at 730. Then, of course, we sit at the gate for 20 additional minutes.
When we finally get to Chicago, it is 1140. Our aunt picks us up. This is also the aunt who we will be staying with while we are in Chicago. This aunt lives in a "friend's" home as a roommate. Our aunt tells us that while we are staying at this woman's house, we can make no noise - the roommate is a light sleeper, Grace can't cry, the cat can't be let out of the house and can open doors, the house isn't baby proof and there are a lot of stairs, Stephanie is sleeping on a couch, Katie, Grace and I are taking our aunt's bed, while she sleeps on the cot downstairs. Oh, and by the way...the roommate comes into our aunt's room to do her makeup every morning. I figure, what the hell, it's only a couple of days, we can do this.
We get to the house, the roommate is sleeping. We go into the kitchen - floor creaking the whole way - and sit down to eat something. Grace cries because Katie gives her to Stephanie and the cat goes crazy. Katie trips over it and it starts chasing her around the kitchen biting her. The roommate wakes up and comes into the kitchen. We gather up our things and go to bed, but not before my aunt tells me that after we shower in the morning we need to squeegie the shower doors because the roommate doesn't like water spots. I go to bed.
The next morning, I hear my aunt come into the room to get her belongings for work. A short while later I hear the roommate come into the room to do her makeup. The next thing I know, the roommate is standing over me and tapping my head...hard. I wake up ready to kill the woman when she proceeds to tell me that she thinks the cat has gotten out of the house and would we please look for it. Personally I think "hang the cat", but not wanting to make the situation bad for my aunt, I nod and go back to sleep.
That night we rented a car and moved into a hotel.
Our grandmother lived in Chicago and Katie, Stephanie, Grace and I were elected to attend the funeral as representatives from this side of the family. I didn't ask Patrick to go because I knew he couldn't, I just told him we were leaving for the funeral and I would see him when I got back.
Because it was such short notice, we had to decide whether we would pay the extra money to fly out of ABQ or drive to Chicago. I wasn't really up for driving 1300 miles with a baby in the car, so we decided to figure out a way to make this cheaper and faster. We found airfare flying out of Denver to Chicago that was very cheap and decided that a 6 hour drive to Denver was better than a 24 hour drive to Chicago.
The morning we were to leave for our flight out of Denver I decided to get an oil change and rotate my tires just to be safe. I take it to the place I usually go and am told that they can't rotate my tires because they are bald. To make the situation even more interesting, I needed a complete alignment - which was what caused my tires to go bald in the first place. The place that did my oil change didn't work with tires so I had to go home and call places that did, hoping that somewhere would have the size tires I needed and could put them on in a two hour period of time before we HAD to leave for Denver. Of course, only one place had all 4 tires in stock and could do an alignment, and of course, the tires were the most expensive and best quality tires on the market. Had it just been me driving, I would have waited and taken care of this when I got back from the funeral. But because I had two siblings and a baby in the car with me, I figured it was better to take care of it all then. I set up the appointment making sure they knew I had a deadline and as soon as I got off the phone with the tire place, my mother calls to tell me that she doesn't think that Stephanie's school photo ID will be enough for her to be able to get on the plane in Denver and that I need to go to the Division of Vital Records and get a copy of her birth certificate. Frustrated beyond belief at this point, I race over to get a copy of her birth certificate and then race accross town to have the tires changed, almost 45 minutes after I had told them I would be there. To their credit, they get my car in as quickly as possible and with me standing over them try to have the car done by noon. Katie, Stephanie and Grace get into town around 11 and I tell them the situation and that they should go eat lunch, I'll meet them at the house as soon as I'm done. The tires and alignment are completed by 1220 and I pay the exhorbitant amount of money (which had been discounted significantly from the original price I was quoted and was still enormous) and raced back home. Seneca dropped them off, put their suitcases in the car, they piled in and then we sped off for Denver. Because we didn't actually get out of town until 1245, when we had planned to leave at 1130, I knew I had to make up time on the highway. Pulling out the radar detector I raced up to Denver doing 95 to 100 mph.
We made it to Denver, barely. Of all the parking lots at the airport, only the one that happens to be the farthest away from the airport is open. We get to it and wait for the shuttle, which once it picks us up, takes 20 minutes to get to the terminal because the bus can only do 15 to 20 mph. I'm anxious, Grace is soaking wet and Katie and Stephanie look like they would gladly be anywhere but there. We get to the terminal at 710, our flight leaves at 740. We check in (they don't need Stephanie's birth certificate), convince them that we cannot carry our luggage on the plane with us and that it has to be checked and then run to security (where Katie is stopped because she forgot to take her lighter out and put it in her checked luggage), race to the train that will take us to the gate - by this time it is 725. The train takes us to the B gates and as we get out and run to our gate, I remember that I haven't eaten all day. As we pass by various food stands I hear my stomach kick into high gear and grumble. We get on the plane right at 730. Then, of course, we sit at the gate for 20 additional minutes.
When we finally get to Chicago, it is 1140. Our aunt picks us up. This is also the aunt who we will be staying with while we are in Chicago. This aunt lives in a "friend's" home as a roommate. Our aunt tells us that while we are staying at this woman's house, we can make no noise - the roommate is a light sleeper, Grace can't cry, the cat can't be let out of the house and can open doors, the house isn't baby proof and there are a lot of stairs, Stephanie is sleeping on a couch, Katie, Grace and I are taking our aunt's bed, while she sleeps on the cot downstairs. Oh, and by the way...the roommate comes into our aunt's room to do her makeup every morning. I figure, what the hell, it's only a couple of days, we can do this.
We get to the house, the roommate is sleeping. We go into the kitchen - floor creaking the whole way - and sit down to eat something. Grace cries because Katie gives her to Stephanie and the cat goes crazy. Katie trips over it and it starts chasing her around the kitchen biting her. The roommate wakes up and comes into the kitchen. We gather up our things and go to bed, but not before my aunt tells me that after we shower in the morning we need to squeegie the shower doors because the roommate doesn't like water spots. I go to bed.
The next morning, I hear my aunt come into the room to get her belongings for work. A short while later I hear the roommate come into the room to do her makeup. The next thing I know, the roommate is standing over me and tapping my head...hard. I wake up ready to kill the woman when she proceeds to tell me that she thinks the cat has gotten out of the house and would we please look for it. Personally I think "hang the cat", but not wanting to make the situation bad for my aunt, I nod and go back to sleep.
That night we rented a car and moved into a hotel.
22.3.07
Aloha
Patrick surprised me with an early 30th birthday gift, that couldn't have come at a better time. Rather than going to Corpus Christi Texas for spring break, he took me to Hawaii. We have been here since Saturday and have been having a wonderful, relaxing time. Patrick's best friend Josh and his girlfriend JoJo, joined us here. It has been interesting watching another couple interact. It makes me grateful for the relationship I have with Patrick.
It amazes me that even after almost 10 years, he can still do things that surprise me.
It amazes me that even after almost 10 years, he can still do things that surprise me.
10.3.07
Funeral Parade
My dad died yesterday.
I got the call at 4 am and from there I spent the day in a blur. I had a test that I took although I couldn't really tell you much about the material that was on it. I left afterwards, not staying for class, and just wandered. I wandered through Target...not really having a specific need for being there. I wandered through the mall. At the time, it felt like I had a purpose, but in fact I don't really think I did. In the afternoon, I went down to Albuquerque and saw a movie and ate dinner. I was so tired by the time I got home that I don't remember falling asleep. I spent more time on the phone yesterday than I have ever in my life. I worried about my sisters. I talked with my dad's wife. I made arrangements to pick up my aunt. It was a day of things that I did. I didn't have to think about my father. I didn't have to think about a painful childhood or the joyful times, though few and far between. I just did what I needed to do, because that is what needed to be done.
Now, for the next week, I get to try to keep the funeral drama to a minimum and will hopefully be able to get through everything unscathed. I need to remember to tell Katie to keep my mother away from my dad's wife.
I got the call at 4 am and from there I spent the day in a blur. I had a test that I took although I couldn't really tell you much about the material that was on it. I left afterwards, not staying for class, and just wandered. I wandered through Target...not really having a specific need for being there. I wandered through the mall. At the time, it felt like I had a purpose, but in fact I don't really think I did. In the afternoon, I went down to Albuquerque and saw a movie and ate dinner. I was so tired by the time I got home that I don't remember falling asleep. I spent more time on the phone yesterday than I have ever in my life. I worried about my sisters. I talked with my dad's wife. I made arrangements to pick up my aunt. It was a day of things that I did. I didn't have to think about my father. I didn't have to think about a painful childhood or the joyful times, though few and far between. I just did what I needed to do, because that is what needed to be done.
Now, for the next week, I get to try to keep the funeral drama to a minimum and will hopefully be able to get through everything unscathed. I need to remember to tell Katie to keep my mother away from my dad's wife.
7.3.07
Approaching 30
With March comes the realization that I will soon be 30 years old. Truthfully, it isn't as hard to accept as I thought it should be. Like many of the "landmark" birthdays, I think this one will come and go without undo pomp and circumstance. Allowing me to continue the blissful refusal to age I started when I turned 25.
My father is dying. I went to see him last night and as I look down at this man who terrified me for so many years I found that I couldn't even tell him I loved him. I couldn't say those words to him. I didn't know what to say. Part of me wishes that I could have had the display of emotions my younger sisters had. Because in the end he is still my father. But I had to really work hard to have any feelings as I watched him. I tell Patrick that I have pity for him. Pity that he never thought we were important or valuable enough to be a father to us. But I wonder about that. I wonder if that is really the truth or if I am only saying it because I feel that I have to say I feel something. My sister describes me as being locked behind this brick wall that I will only poke my head over every once in a while to allow people to see me. Then I quickly duck back behind it. Maybe she is right. Perhaps I have cut myself off so effectively that I can't tell a dying man that on some level I do love him. As you can tell from reading this I need copious amounts of therapy. Interesting that it took my reaching 30 to realize that I really am not okay afterall.
My father is dying. I went to see him last night and as I look down at this man who terrified me for so many years I found that I couldn't even tell him I loved him. I couldn't say those words to him. I didn't know what to say. Part of me wishes that I could have had the display of emotions my younger sisters had. Because in the end he is still my father. But I had to really work hard to have any feelings as I watched him. I tell Patrick that I have pity for him. Pity that he never thought we were important or valuable enough to be a father to us. But I wonder about that. I wonder if that is really the truth or if I am only saying it because I feel that I have to say I feel something. My sister describes me as being locked behind this brick wall that I will only poke my head over every once in a while to allow people to see me. Then I quickly duck back behind it. Maybe she is right. Perhaps I have cut myself off so effectively that I can't tell a dying man that on some level I do love him. As you can tell from reading this I need copious amounts of therapy. Interesting that it took my reaching 30 to realize that I really am not okay afterall.
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